Addiction
by MayfairFuture
Summary: Addiction is something you don't play with. Especially with a certain blonde. If you can get addicted to drugs, why can't I get addicted to her? And no one will stop it. No one. Companionship to Obsession. Ashley POV.
1. Chapter 1

Addiction

**I know after a year of disappearing, all of you wanted a chapter in Obsession. Remember how almost everyone begged for an Ashely POV in Obsession and I kept gently telling everyone no in personal messages? Well, this was the reason. I planned a sequel/companionship to Obsession with Ashely's POV and her history. This is my apology.**

**A lot has happened in a year. Long story short, I started my career with a new demanding job plus some issues with a place to live, twice. And well, life took over with responsibilities and 16-hr days and unfortunately, writing took a backseat. I'm trying my hardest to find a balance and maybe now this will stick.**

**My sincerest apologies. I will try my hardest to update Obsession; in fact, I'm going to re-read the last chapter and start on it now.**

**MF**

_Prologue - Numbness is a Beautiful Thing_

Do you know what it's like to be high? It's like the movies, right? The thumping beats in the background, the awe-like big eyes, the blur of lights, and most importantly, at the beginning, you're aware but as time flies, you're just in the flow. Everything is fast-forward and you wake up with a hangover and blank slate of black that's supposed to be your short-term memories of the hours before. There's the sigh and the pain your body is putting you through for what you did to it last night. There's the wondering and the self-loathing bitch routine or just the not giving a fuck. Then life moves on and it's normal again.

It's nothing like the movies.

The movies got it somewhat right. In the beginning, on a drug-binge, it is the awe-inspiring big eyes. Everything is heightened. And you feel; you feel a multitude of things. The air, the music, the breath, whatever. You feel. But what the movies got wrong is the very fact that you're aware of what you're doing. I remember everything I do when I'm snorting that Snow White powder. The thing I'm feeling though, eternally, is numbness.

And that's the beauty of getting high.

You know exactly what you're doing and why you're doing it, but that numbness makes it okay. That numbness makes you feel the most. That numbness makes you the most honest thing in that exact moment.

As you can see, I think numbness is a beautiful thing. That's why I get high. I can be myself and do stupid shit, and it's _me_. It's who I am. These horrible mistakes I'm making? I know. The numbness makes it real and it allows me to feel. I pretend when I'm sober. I pretend I'm okay and that my life is perfect. But when I'm high, my true colors brightly show, and I just don't give a fuck.

I have numbness to thank for that.

"Ashley!"

My musing is over as the blond screams in my ear just so I could hear her husky slur over the pounding of the club bass. Ashley Benson. She just landed a coveted role in her career but I really don't care or give a fuck. She knows how to party and best, knows how to snort coke off my body that gets me in the mood to fuck. That's honestly all I care about.

"You sure about this?" She screams again.

Her hot breath gives me shivers and my flat stomach reacts the right way. My hazy eyes follow as the long white line that starts at my clavicle and ends at my waist line move up then down like a sexy roller coaster bump. None of powder deters from that perfect line. Goddamn, she lined that perfect. I can't anticipate any longer so I give her my famous smoldering look.

What I like most about Ashley is that she doesn't waste time. She immediately gets the clues and goes right for what I want from her. She leans in for the kiss and it's sloppy because I'm fucked up. The alcohol makes my stomach a little queasy but the lightness I feel from the copious amounts I drank in the last two hours does it's job. The coke counteracts any nausea that's building from the too much alcohol. Again, the numbness makes everything better. And so beautiful.

Ashley moans and I know she doesn't mind the kiss is sloppy. She's fucked up, too. So it shouldn't matter as long as her tongue ends up licking my slit. But I still deeply kiss her and as her mouth opens for a breather, my teeth catch her bottom lip and I bite. I don't let go and add more pressure until she hisses.

Because pain is another emotion.

It's a reminder; a reminder I don't need about my dead baby that my body couldn't carry but a reminder that everything else around me is real. Sometimes I get lost in the numbness and it's almost like a dream, although I'm aware this is truly happening. I'm about to get fucked by a "young hollywood" actress in Echo, a popular club hotspot for L.A.'s celebrity culture and known drug party locale. There's paparazzi outside, probably inside now just waiting for the troublemaker daughter of a rock legend to start another juicy scandal. And they're gonna get one. It all seems a little too dream-like. It's like something I would read in those trash rags. That's why sometimes I need to cause a little pain to make sure it's really happening.

"Damn girl," Ashley practically groans out.

I'm done with her talking.

"I want you to snort the coke," I say lowly against her cheek. "Snort all of it in one shot and fuck me for all the world to see."

I end my request with a long, almost animalistic, lick up the length of her cheek. And because I'm a biter, I nip her earlobe.

I hear her groan and her voice is a little muffled as I'm assuming she demands a straw from someone nearby. I'm not for sure what she does because my eyes are already closed and I adjust my shoulders against the plush furniture. A relaxing breath escapes me and I can't wait to get fucked.

It's the last relaxing thought I have tonight.

*****MF******

Everything else is a blur which really fucks up my philosophy of getting high. Yes, I remember everything. I remember every emotion that suddenly floods, the actions, the chain-reactions, and the most fucking ironic thing ever: it just happens to rain that night in L.A.

Rain in L.A. is like bad karma. Earthquakes, fine. No biggie. No one fucking flinches on an earthquake. It rains in L.A. and it's like the omen. It never happens so when it does, something bad happens. And something did.

If only I knew how much getting high could affect everyone around me.

I remember in the middle of Ashley snorting the coke off me, I hear commotion. My smear in my vision kind of recognizes the haziness of Dante's silhouette and his soft hands reaching for my forearms. I remember frowning because Dante never interrupts my partying.

Sure he runs a shady business but he always a had a gentle gaze for me. In a way, he looks out for me. There's always a sober driver for me at 6:00 a.m. curtesy of him. When I'm too fucked and can't exactly defend myself, the sleazy guys who try to take advantage mysteriously disappear and it's Dante somewhere in a corner who slightly bends his chin down when we make eye contact. He watches out for me, which is more than what I can say for some people.

I remember Dante's mouth moving but I can't hear words because the moment he reached for me, Ashley screams. Then multiple people are yelling, one of them, my father. The back of Ashley's hair is in his vice-like grip and she's defenseless as her arms move back to his arm holding her. He turns them around and unceremoniously shoves her away from me. Then Dante is shoved by him and it's his rough hands on my forearms now. He squeezes but he's not rough but his voice says different. I don't bother hearing his tirade to the group of people around us. I'm focused on my screaming at him.

Then there was the rain pounding on my skin. I remember the shock of it all. The coldness almost makes me sober and I realize why I don't like the rain. There's more yelling, bright white lights that leave dazzling white spots in front of me and I'm temporarily dazed. It stops my fighting against my dad's grip long enough for him to shove me in the passenger side of his SUV. There's more yelling; they're like stupid questions and lights keep going off. And for a brief second, I start to maybe like the white spots in front of me then the white stuff flowing in my blood stream. I'm still getting the effective numbness even if my dad is a major buzzkill.

There's honking, a lot of honking and more yelling. Then it's just me and my dad. The yelling never stopped and I never noticed the heavy raindrops practically giving a rhythmic _doosh _on the windshield or the power of the windshield wipers desperately trying to make a clear path of vision. All I'm focused on is the fact my father ruined my night and I was going to make him pay for it.

We're both screaming at each other and I'm surprised I'm able to string a coherent thought full of cuss words without hesitating or using filler words. He's equally as eloquent as I am in his arguments. We're going back and forth and I'm not paying attention to how fast the car is going or the fact that it fogged up in the car. I'm not even noticing the white lights are back. They're against my profile and I see it my peripheral but what's more important was how much I hated my father at this moment.

"You're 15!" He would scream.

"I don't give a fuck!" I would scream back. "Since when did you care I've been doing this? The past ten months you were on tour. You sure as fucking hell did care then!"

"I've always cared!"

Back and forth we go. I accuse his lack of concern due to his career. He would counter back that he did stupid things but he is a parent and he is going to start acting like one. This time things are different. He is going to be there. I said it was a load of shit.

"I'm your father, Ashley!" He screamed over me. "Whether you like it or not, I am here. I'm going to be here for you. Always. And we're starting with getting you help. I love you and I'm going to be here for now on."

It is the last thing he says before the wheel violently turns and he tries to overpower it. There's the screech of tires against wet pavement and we're gliding. There's metal crunching and glass breaking all over my skin and the prickles I usually feel aren't the same and sure as hell is not as welcomed. There's screaming and I remember my heart spiking because for once in my high, I felt fear instead of numbness. I remember something slicing my back and the anguished yelp that escapes my mouth, following by a bone somewhere below me cracking. The taste of blood followed by the lurking black that appears on and off in my vision.

There's a horn honking but it's distant. Everything stops but the one thing that's constant was the last thing I screamed at my father before all this happened.

It was like a loop and my numbness was starting to fade. I didn't like it at all; my numbness starting to fade…

I want it back, but what I want most of all, is to erase what I said.

"I hate you!"

End of Prologue.


	2. Chapter 2

Addiction

**Note: Fast-forward roughly two years later and the introduction to some key people in Ashley's life.**

**Street names of drugs:**

**Snow White - Cocaine**

**Juice - ****Dilaudid****, which is a type of pain pill.**

**Hope you enjoy.**

**MF**

Ch. 1 - Recovering Addict

_You're always going to be an addict; there's no cure for that. There's a difference between an addict and a recovering addict. And no matter how much you want to think you're aren't an addict after rehab, you are. You will always be an addict. You will always be an addict. Say it again: __**You will always be an addict.**_

_What's the difference?_

_The difference is that a recovering addict struggles_.

You gotta love how honest rehab is. Granted, the last rehabilitation facility wasn't this honest which is probably why I never took it seriously. I mean, I got clean for cocaine but was still under the influence of prescription pills. When I look back, who's really fucking stupid in the situation. At least in this place they were real from the get-go; I think I really needed to hear I was going to be an addict for the rest of life. It gave me a sense of security, I guess. It's hard to explain; I don't need false promises or exaggerated hopes and dreams.

I needed to be told the truth and maybe that's why the second time around I took it seriously. Forget the fact my father died because of me and the judge wasn't too kind when he found out I was under the influence when I flipped that car three times on the 405. Or that I seriously scared my mom and sister; I never seen my mother cry and she sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and wouldn't let go of her death grip once I got out of surgery. The image in my mind of my only family crying because they thought they lost me still sent shivers down my spine. My family has never been one for affection. I guess it comes with the territory when your father was a rock legend and your mom cared about her Botox more and never knew what was going on with her daughter and the child that had nothing to do with her blood-kin so she barely tolerated her. That description was of my half-sister Kyla, by the way.

I deeply roll my eyes and hold my breath until I feel light-headed. I'm going through it again; the withdrawal. I've had a couple before but this seems to be the one where I fall off the wagon once again.

They were honest about this part, too. This is why you'll always be an addict, they said. Life gets to you like they're the devil. Life tempts you back into your addiction. Life is a pretty face that will fuck you over and you thought they were your best friend. You're gonna struggle and there's no amount of therapy or physical detox that will prepare you for it. The stress will get to you and you'll wonder why you ever gave up your addiction because anything is better than the real problems that life confronts you with all the time.

It's one of those days where everything just gets to me. There's another rumor about me at this stupid school. It's nothing new since it's something I almost begged for when I was messing up. Back then, coke made every decision easy. All I had to do was get high and whatever decision I made had no consequence in my mind. I could start every single rumor and wouldn't give a shit because it wasn't affecting me directly. I was too high to care. This was the freedom coke gave me; a blank canvass of emotion and feeling. I could literally do anything and not care. Normally, this rumor wouldn't bother me; like who cares if I fucked a male and woman teacher within two days a part. So what I kind of fueled it when I noticed said teachers check me out and all I did was smirk. I mean, the rumors would have merit if I wasn't failing both their classes, then maybe I wouldn't be so upset.

Forget the fact I was in rehab for the last year; that wasn't rumor-material here in King High. All these assholes care about is sex and apparently whether or not if I'm gay or straight. Really? I can't be bi? Or how about the simple fact that it doesn't matter what my sexual orientation is because none of that really matters? Ugh, this is why I loved drugs so much. I didn't have to deal with this bullshit or the simple fact that every turn I make, there's Kyla and Aiden looking so happy in love.

Like right now. We're on break before classes. Not the typical five minutes to change books and go to the next class, but an actual 15-minute break to stretch, sunbathe, smoke, or hell, even skip school, which I'm seriously about to do and score Snow White and Juice. I'm in one of these hallways crouched against a wall and my head is between my legs and my lips are parched. I kept licking them every two seconds in my previous class and I even though I know I'm going through one of these physical withdrawals, it fucking doesn't help when you silently tell yourself over and over again you're going to be okay. I just want the dryness to stop and I want every fucking stressor of this day to disappear.

I need to disappear in just a drug haze because I remember what that's like every time I close my eyes. How everything was so simple and care-free and there's no words or thoughts or actions. There's just the numbness of a high. A white vision comes when I press the balls of my hands into my eyelids and I remember how it used to be. Nobody cared about me while I was high and I was free to do anything and everything with no feeling. I didn't have to stress about school or court dates or a probation officer. Hell, when I was high, my father was on the road chasing his glory days and my mom was making her face stone and I could do whatever because they were too busy with their lives. I want that life back.

At least my father wouldn't be dead and my mom wouldn't be looking at me with sympathetic eyes. And Kyla… well, it's hard which Kyla I prefer: the one when I was high or the one now. When I was high, Kyla did her thing. She was there for support but at an arm's length because she wasn't miss perfect and she knew what it was like to act out once you lose someone. She wasn't there to tell me I was badly fucking up and consistently but a phone call, and she was there. And now that I'm sober, Kyla is there presently and more active and I do need that support system more than I'm willing to admit out loud but she comes with a total package of Aiden. She's always doting and making sure I'm taking my controlled amount of pain pills when the tightness in my lower back gets to be too much. We talk, all the time now and she's the most encouraging person I have right now but I can't stand her when Aiden's around.

It's not like I hate Aiden for dating my sister. And I'm not in love with him anymore. As harsh as it sounds, my love for him died when our baby did. When I miscarried, I was deeply depressed and Aiden just couldn't handle it so he left, which looking back, I understand and don't resent him for it. In fact, after the car accident that put my father in the coma, he was only one who came by and stayed that was outside of family. He's someone I will always care for, no matter how our lives end up. We just weren't meant to be but apparently he and Kyla were.

They got close during my recovery and at first Kyla was so vehemently against doing anything further with him. It wasn't supposed to be like that, and I felt petulant in the beginning. Bonding was something that was supposed to be the three of us and not them falling in love as I lay in a hospital bed ridden with guilt and pain and withdrawals. At first, I was so happy her loyalty lied with me but I could see how much it hurt her not to follow the "intense chemistry" they have. My entire life until this point was based off selfish reasons and I decided if I was going to commit to a pointed lifestyle change, the selfishness was going to be the first thing to work on getting better. So I gave my permission.

What a big fuck you to me.

I'm honestly happy for them, but I don't need their happiness rubbed in my struggles. How could they be so happy at 17 and here I am with a dead child already and a dead father. Why couldn't I have the happiness but I'm with this gloom? So I don't really communicate with Kyla when Aiden's around. Unfortunately, that's all the time nowadays.

The white vision is starting to turn black with bright spots and I almost lose my balance due to the lightness my head is currently experiencing. I exhale and in one quick motion, push myself straight up. I lean against the brick wall because the rapid movement cause a moment of nausea and I need to tell myself again that I'm going to be okay; that all this normal even though I'm starting to get hella annoyed with myself. I'm this close to give up this charade and that all of the positive reinforcements I'm trying to say as a mantra is complete bullshit. I'm starting to get stomach pains now and I hug my midsection and growl in frustration.

I push myself off the wall and turn to my right, not exactly knowing where I'm going or where the hell I am but I just need a common point and I can navigate from here to get out of this hellhole and find the nearest drug dealer. My weak argument is still listing in my head and as I turn the corner I see Kyla in Aiden's lap from afar but I can still read her lips and know she's giggling. Subconsciously, I bite the inside of my cheek.

Fuck this shit.

I start a trot in the opposite direction and hoping I'm fast enough that Kyla doesn't notice me. The few times I almost fell off the wagon, thankfully, Kyla has been there to stop me. She's my voice of reason which is why I could never decide which version of Kyla I like more. I have my days, but the bottom line is that she will always stop me from doing something stupid. And I am about to do something stupid and I'm don't care anymore. I'm done trying to deal with the stress and lead a clean life. I'm done thinking and I'm done feeling. I'm a fuck-up and will always fuck up.

I'm an attention whore after all.

I lick my lips again and I'm seriously irritated at the motion. Even more validation that I'm just going to be an addict for the rest of my life, just like rehab said. I just wasn't going to be different anymore and be a recovering addict. I'm in a light jog now as I maneuver around people but also try to be discreet so none of the authoritative figures notice I'm about to sneak off campus. I should be thinking about my escape route, however a last attempt to stop myself from shooting up tries to reason with me.

Rehab talked a lot about a hobby to help with the temptation. Something that is physically and mentally active that helps you focus on something that's not what messed up your life in the first place. Put all your focus and energy into this one hobby and it helps.

Too bad my "hobbies" included producing music and fucking women. I mean, it's really not too bad but those two things that seem to get any type of focus out of me hasn't been working as of late. I used to love producing music. There was something about creating something and others connecting to that. In a sense, it was a step of validation that I'm doing something right. Granted, it wasn't rock music, but I'm sure my father would have been proud of mixes I've created. I was actually considering it a career path and sending demos out before everything went to shit. I got pregnant and lost the baby. Subsequently, I not only lost a child but a boyfriend and nobody was there.

Except Snow White. Snow White was there for me. And a woman to fuck after Aiden left which really opened a whole new world that just needed to be explored. It wasn't a love-opening experience like my first time with Aiden was like, but it was pretty up there. It was something I wanted to keep doing but not with the same woman.

Music is just too painful right now to use as a distraction and the slew of women now used to do the trick but now it seems like I'm missing some sort of substance. It's not working every time I get the urge to go back. Maybe I'm associating the women with the drugs because it used to be more pleasurable when I wasn't in the right mind-frame but all I do now is think. I'm comparing and it's fucking up my life that I can't even use sex as a distraction now.

I can hit up this girl I met on Facebook for a fuck to stop me, I weakly thought but I'm so not into it. The temptation is hitting right now, in the right way that's so sickeningly sweet that rebuffs any weak argument I come with that this is all a bad idea. I sigh as I keep speed-walking.

I've come so far.

_For life to fuck you over? People are happy around you and you're suffering. This is why you were on drugs; so you didn't have to feel._

This would devastate my family. I've already failed them enough.

_And they haven't failed you? Where is Kyla right now?_

My father's death was my wake-up call. I won't fail him.

_He's fucking dead! Because of you, might I add. Just let go. All this stress? It can be avoided. Remember how happy you were with not feeling. Remember how things weren't complicated when you were using? Remember how people left you alone? Don't you want that? You're already an addict._

_You're already an addict._

_You're already an addict._

And I'm sold. I'm an addict and I'm going to do what addicts do.

I turn another corner and by natural order, I inhale deep and I abruptly stop. It's like I'm smelling fresh strawberries and I know for a fact that the nearest farmer's market is 30 miles away and strawberries can't carry a smell that intoxicatingly sweet that far. I turn my head to my right and I know immediately who that smell that belongs to and I'm entranced.

The blonde hair literally shines in the sunlight but it's her profile that makes every argument in my head that getting high is a great idea, leave. Like, literally a whoosh, and everything I've thought in the last 30 seconds is completely eradicated. Her face has that golden tan that's _so_ standard in SoCal but the slight grimace around her mouth gravitates me. She's lost for sure as a confused look crosses her features but she tries to hide it every time she makes eye contact with someone. Instead, a friendly smile places firm on her mouth and she tries to explain her predicament to anyone who looks at her but none of them find her nearly interesting like I do; hell, I'm completely enthralled. I stay as I watch her try to get someone's attention, her facial expressions tacked with this stubborn hold as she keeps her smile and proceeds to ask the next person who looks at her.

Thankfully, the next person is Chelsea and I know she's in good hands. Chelsea is someone I've had the casual acquaintance since elementary school but I know she's one of the good ones. She just prefers the quiet, artistic side as I tended to veer towards the wild child and popularity once we started high school. But I know Chelsea is sweet and kind-hearted enough to stop and help this blonde and I smile at the little fact when that's exactly what she does and they share a laugh.

Holy shit, the way she laughs. It's mesmerizing. And I'm fucking sold. This girl; there's something like a gravitational pull and I know right there as I scan her face then the rest of her body that's she's someone special and I need in my life. I'm sure she's better than Snow White and Juice combined.

I lick my lips.

I think I just found my new addiction.

**End of Ch.1**

**I don't think Spencer will ever know how far her influences reach. lol**

**Please review if you'd like.**

**MF**


	3. Chapter 3

Addiction

**I know, I'm horrible. No excuses, but an update is here. Here, we delve in what's almost like a competition of unhealthy… admiration between our favorite lovers. This coincides with Chapter 1 of Obsession; a little before then too on Ashley's POV.**

**Review, if you'd like.**

**MF**

Ch.2 - Stalker Tendencies

I know I caught her attention after a couple days she first arrived, and I should've introduced myself then but something stopped me. Simply put, I wanted to stalk her first. Okay, not the best of words, but how else should I describe it, obsessive observations? I should be honest about this; I got all her information within hours after she caught my attention and although research was good, it just wasn't enough. There was something thrilling being close to her. I really don't know how to describe it without being so creepy, but rehab also taught me to own up to things.

So this is me owning up: I'm stalking her, but at least I know the attraction is mutual. So, it's not really stalking, right? I know she's into me and you have no idea how into her I am, wink wink, but I have to act aloof. I can't just approach her now and thus scare her off. L.A. can be pretty overwhelming if you don't have tough skin and my god this girl is like porcelain but it's nothing that can be fixed with super-girl.

For all intent and purposes, she needed to be break in. I could see it on her face as she slowly gets used to these stuck-up, pretentious high school cliques that surround her. She hasn't been self-conscious of her small-town-girl charm, and that's probably why I'm so entranced by her. She knows she's out of place, but she doesn't show it. She knows she's treading water, chin barely above the surface, but she's calm, cool, and collected.

It's like she's waiting for me to break her. I lick my lips at the prospect but the thought is under lock and key in my mind. All Spencer knows is that I'm licking my lips to savor the strawberry juice that stains in just the right provocative way that gets her to stare. Actually, everyone is staring but I see her gaze across the courtyard and its the only one that matters. She doesn't know it because of my stylish sunglasses, but we're making eye contact and it's not the heat of the sun that's making me feverish.

God, she's so…

I can't even complete my sentence because the right adjective never comes to do justice. Spencer Carlin is somebody that is the definition of an enigma. Her ocean blue eyes is not the cliche of the sea or the bright sky but holds this scared curiosity that needs to be explored. Her eyes swirl in wonderment. This girl has a whole new world - I know she can survive in - at the tips, just at the ledge, and she's on her tippy-toes, teetering on hesitance.

She needs someone to show her what it's like to explore, and well, I do fancy myself as an expert. Experimenting is like my thing. If it could be a profession, I'd die rich and happy - figuratively and literally - and Spencer Carlin would be right next to me, my lover, dead, with a smile on her face. That's more poetic than William Shakespeare.

A vision of Spencer, practically a mass of goo, passes behind my eyes with an euphoric smile on her face and sheets only covering half of her stomach. I can already imagine her with her world rocked and her sexual awakening just beginning. She can barely move her limbs, an tremendous effort for her to cuddle against my side and whispering a thank you.

I can be that for her, I can be everything she needs to be shown. This is where she belongs, right next to me, exploring her sexuality and what it really means to live. Everything is right in front of her, and she sees it, but she's afraid to confront life. So, she hangs back, pretending to be content being in the background. But I know, that's not her. Don't ask me how, but I can see it in her mannerisms. She's just waiting to be awaken.

It's probably why I find her so enticing. In my young years, I've experienced life, gone through death and pain more times I could count and once found a happy place. I know there's still a lot for me to learn, and I'm just stepping on stones, trying to find a balance on a tiny spot, but at least I'm not sheltered. At least I battled life at times, and yeah, I got my ass kicked, but at least I recognize the learning curve.

This girl is just waiting to be exposed, and I know deep within me, it's something only I should do. I just have to plan my move. She's still like a newborn fern; bright, glassy eyes and wobbly limbs, scared to approach the world. She's like Bambi. I just need to watch her just a little bit longer before I approach. I need to enjoy this vision of grace before I taint everything, for the better, of course.

I already know I caught her attention. It's kind of adorable how she thinks I don't notice her. When inadvertently stopped me from going on a drug binge, I collected every debt I had, to get more info. I tracked down the school gossip, you know the one, that one person who wants to be the next Harvey Levin of TMZ, because come on, this is high school - we only care about celebrities. Yeah, I tracked that creep down and claimed an exclusive in exchange for information about the new girl.

What he really wanted was information on the biggest gossip at King, which was money pot based on my sexuality. He knew it would've been too easy if I just outright said it, and just plain stupid, so I had to give him credit for not even trying but it did piqued his interested when I requested information on a girl, but money was on his mind. Plus, it's an easy distractor.

He was smart to take the hundred bucks and run away with it with his weasel tail. Besides, the info I gave him was bogus; I didn't give two fucks if Madison had a rash _down _there, but according to the other sources this guy had, Madison was seen getting hot and heavy with two different guys at the same party last weekend. So, plausible in my book.

Within an hour, I found out that the new girl was Spencer Carlin; sixteen, and just moved from some bodunk town, Ohio with her older brother Glen. The move was because of her mother's job. What a perfect wet dream for a predator like me.

The school bell rings, ending my sun tan and delicious snack of strawberries. I seemed to have developed a craving for the fruit since I smelled it in Spencer's scent. And I'm delighted to notice that Spencer took a liking to the fruit also, especially the way her eyes trace and memorize the movements of my lips when I eat them. She hasn't moved like the others or even made a noise, but silently stares at me like I'm a trance and she's hypnotized. _Oh, baby, you have no idea, _I thought as I decided to stay also and eat one more strawberry for shits and giggles.

The way she stares at me calms every anxiety traveling through my body, and I think I like her obsession with me. I've surely become addicted to her longing stares and her innocence. I slowly bite into my strawberry and close my eyes to memorize everything about the texture that surrenders to my tongue. I imagine soon enough, my teeth will be biting down on her bottom lip and not just strawberries. How her lip would be plump and juicy and welcoming for a little bit a pain but a lot of pleasure. The texture of her lip as I drag my teeth bottom up, savoring the taste and shape. I would kiss her like I would eat strawberries; slow and delicate, but just the right hint of raunchy, because of course, I'm hungry.

I can only imagine now, but soon I will get the real taste.

******MF******

She's so exquisite, like a mermaid. The sparkles she radiates just draws me in and I'm wondering why no one yet has a made a move. What fucking idiots, but their mistake is my feast. She's so beautiful and naive that my eyes hurt with all the admiration that's filled just for her. Amusingly, I notice how all my time is devoted to her and analyzing every move she makes, like how she stares at me thinking I don't notice. It's comical how we both have each other's attention but no move has been made.

I want to, trust me, but I still want - selfishly - to have her from afar. I just love watching her, mentally making notes what she likes and what she does. I fantasize our first meeting and how she would react to me finally speaking to her. Will she be shocked, flabbergasted, charmed, or thrilled? Was she playing cat and mouse all this time, like me? Would she blush hardcore and trip over her words and mentally hate herself for not being "cool?" Oh, the possibilities had me antsy, but I had to be methodical about this. Our first meeting had to be right and intriguing. She had to come back for more because I don't think I can stand it if she thought better and walked out.

Spencer Carlin was the reason why I wasn't doing drugs and I need this Hail Mary in my life. I was comparing her to religion; that's how serious this girl was to be. She was equivocal to others, but the more I watch her, the more define she was to me. She was my equal, my counter-act to all things that could destroy me. Her pull since her first day in school has been something so destined, so gravitational, that I couldn't resist if I tried. She's something equivalent to breathing; I absolutely need her to survive.

Look at me being all desperately poetic. I think she'll appreciate that. I smirk, as I think how nobody in Ohio praised her like the goddess she is. I'm torn between angry and grateful at the thought, simply because to me, it's obvious how special Spencer is. I mean, she stopped me from doing drugs. That's an incredible feat in of itself.

As far as Spencer knows, I'm just looking at my phone from afar but in reality I'm taking pictures of her. I'm slouched against a wall of whatever hall and she's across the lawn, with Chelsea with her breathtaking smile and infectious laugh. I capture a perfect moment with her right profile but you can see how the sun just compliments her whole form. She's absolutely stunning as I look back at my photo, her hair tinting in all the right places, her smile grand and full of life, and skin just looks freshly sun-kissed.

She's amazing, simply put.

"Hey, Ash!"

And the moment is ruined. I frown and stare daggers at King's Lovey-Dovey Couple but they can't see my dark expression because of my sunglasses. The way Aiden squirms though, he knows I'm glaring and he's trying to act like it doesn't bother him, but the way his shoulders are scrunched together and he fidgets from leg to leg, well, it's stupid how he's trying to fool me and Kyla. What an idiot and I have no problem being vocal with the assessment. I lift my sunglasses and keep my stare.

"What are you doing here?" I deadpanned.

Aiden shrugs and beats Kyla to answer. Kyla slightly grimaces and I deepen my frown. He's the last person I want talking to me.

"Just checking up on you," he says. "Haven't see you around in a while. What are you doing?"

"Shouldn't there be somewhere you should be? Like a dark corner, making out with my sister. Or how about in the middle of the courtyard, where everybody can see?"

Predictably, his mouth gapes. I made things awkward and I slightly feel bad, but it's out there and I'm not taking it back, so I keep my facial expression and just stare. This was the last thing I wanted to deal with and I'm at a complete loss as to why they're talking to me in public. Everyone knows the complicated situation between us, but they don't know about my dead baby. All they know was that Aiden and I used to be the It Couple freshmen year, suddenly we stopped talking, I got into drugs, Kyla comes in, and now they're the new It Couple. Everyone expects us not to be cool, and I can respect that, but we are. I just don't like acknowledging it in public. Or being rubbed how happy they are and everyone is staring at me like I'm supposed to explode that my sister stole my boyfriend.

Please, I'm over the high school drama. But I still don't want to talk to Aiden or Kyla while they're together. It's just nauseating. But yet, here they are, bursting my little mood bubble where I'm happy and safe, thinking about all the ways I'm going to corrupt Spencer Carlin.

"Uh…" Kyla stalls. "We just wanted to say hi, Ash. We haven't talked in awhile."

She smiles sweet but her eyes are begging me to be nice. On some level, she knows how badly her relationship with Aiden hurts me, but I refuse to say how deep the hurt goes, and I think she's afraid to know. The best way to deal with this, to me, is to avoid the big, fat red sign that says this is a bad idea. I'd rather fake happiness then lose the lasting family I have. I'll get over that relationship, I know I will, probably soon if I get my way with Spencer.

I soften my glare, a silent communication that I'll be nice, but not without another dig. My eyes slide back down to my phone, admiring my favorite stalker picture yet. I raise my eyebrows and shrug my shoulders, showing nonchalance.

"Well, your mouth's too busy being fused with Aiden's. Not exactly my fault, is it?"

"Ash, come on," Aiden intercedes, trying in some way to defend Kyla. I cut my eyes towards him, daring him to do say something besides a pitiful objection. Awkward silence follows for several moments. Sensitive dumb-ass.

"Aiden, don't you have basketball practice, anyway?" Kyla says, gently placing her hand over his chest. "I'll meet you afterwards."

"I thought we were both talking to Ashley?" He objects with that stupid pout.

"Ashley's here," I cut in. "And no, I don't want to talk to both of you."

"I'll hand it," Kyla whispers. "Go on, I'll see you afterwards."

"Okay," he concedes. "I'll see you later, Ash."

"Hope you won't." I say loud enough as he retreats.

Aiden had enough brains to keep walking. I'm over his presence so I go back to my phone and start scrolling through all the pictures I took of Spencer the last couple of days. Fucking god, she's so exuberant. I hear Kyla heavily sigh but I ignore her. Then her presence is great on my right side and I know she's sitting next to me. In the corner of my eye, I see her stare straight ahead and I know she's trying to see my general sight, but she has yet to know about Spencer. Both her and Aiden know of my newfound sexuality in girls and thank god they never made a big deal about it. Spencer is different, though, and I hope Kyla doesn't ruin it when she finds out. Kyla is going to think Spencer is just another notch, but she's not even in the same spectrum as those other girls. Spencer is special from the moment I smelled her strawberry shampoo. There's just something about her, I know. As long as Spencer will be in my life, I will be sober for that time period. And I'm hoping against all hope that Spencer will be in my life until I die.

"You know Aiden takes it personally when you're mean to him," Kyla says after the silence is too great for her.

I sigh, long and heavy. "His feelings are not my concern. That stopped being my concern the moment we stopped dating."

"He still considers you a friend, Ash. When you're mean to him, he thinks you still blame him."

"I don't blame him," I immediately respond. "I told him that a million times in the hospital."

"You know he's sensitive when it comes to you."

"Again, that's not my fault. I'm allowed to be bitchy every once in awhile. It's called being a girl, and you know, the last couple of months have been rough. He shouldn't take anything I say personally."

"We all do when you lash out, Ash. We care about you."

"Can you stop saying 'we,' please? It's bad enough when you guys approach me at school and everyone's staring. It's even worse when I have to see you guys together all the time."

"Is that what this is about?"

"What do you think, Kyla?"

"I don't know, you don't talk to me, anymore. Is it because Aiden's always around?"

I shrug and refuse to give her the intense eye contact she's giving me. I constantly remind myself she's happy with Aiden, and I shouldn't fuck that up with my fucked feelings. I'm being irrational and betrayed, I know, but I'm working out the natural feelings, as my therapist likes to call it. Kyla doesn't need to know how much I'm struggling with it, because the last thing we all need is for her to feel guilty; none of them need to feel guilty about me. My choices were my choices.

"I'm sorry," she says after my refusal, but she knows she's right. "I should've known you weren't okay with it."

"I am." I'm so grateful my tone didn't come out forceful. "Look, it's enough that these idiots stare at me, you guys don't need to fuel them anymore than they need by talking to me. Together."

"But he's still your friend…right?"

I nod, but not immediately and that increases her fears. How do I tell my sister I'm okay with her dating my ex, but I'm still not there, you know, actually okay with the thought? The bitterness that they're happy still hasn't gone away but I have no feelings of betrayal by the both of them. I'm extremely grateful that they're in my life and supporting me however they can, I just can't tell them. Words were never great with me, but I can't show them either, because my mindset isn't there to show them. How can I be okay with them being in love when I'm drowning in despair and sorrow? How can I show that? So I keep to myself and I know it's killing Kyla that I'm keeping this from her.

"He is," I force. "Kyla, I swear he is. I just don't like talking when you guys are together. It's just… I don't know, difficult. Especially in public."

She hears the emphasization and her eyebrows knit together. "What, he's like your secret friend?"

"Yeah, we can call it that."

"Ashley, he wants to be there for you, I want to be there for you. Who cares what other people think? All that matters is that we're all cool about the situation…right?"

"Kyla, of course I'm cool with the situation. I told you, I encouraged you to pursue a relationship with him. I gave you my fucking blessing or whatever. I just don't want anymore pressure added. I deal with enough as it is."

"Wait, did you have a bad day? Why didn't you tell me? Did you fall off?"

Her concern can be so annoying and a relief. I mean, how is that possible? How can I feel so many conflicting things about a subject? I roll my eyes at my inner dramatics.

"I didn't fall off." There's sincerity in my voice and I'm glad it didn't sound forced. "I pulled through."

Subconsciously, my eyes lock on Spencer. She's oblivious as she talks to Chelsea.

"I wish you would've told me," Kyla pleads. "You know I would've dropped Aiden if you asked, and I would've talked to you."

Her voice breaks at the end of her sentence and I look over. God, I can see the tears prickling the white of her eyes, and I hate this. I hate that she's so worried about me and feeling closed off when it was my fault. I alienated her because I didn't want to deal with the Love Couple and she's hurt and probably blames herself for it. This sister talk is so fucking unbearable sometimes because I don't know how just yet to show her that's it's me who's struggling to make things normal, not her.

It's always my fucking fault.

"I know, Kyla, it's just… It wasn't bad. I found a distraction."

My eyes break contact with hers and flit across the way because Spencer has gotten up from the picnic table. She's standing now, all vulnerable and cute with her books pressed tightly against her chest as she waits for Chelsea to pack all her artistic stuff. My favorite smile is firmly placed but it could be bigger. I could make it bigger; I could make it splitting. I can make her unbelievably happy.

Kyla notices my object of attention and hums to herself. She notices Spencer and what has me being such a loner and avoiding her. I can feel her eyes go down to my phone too, and she's smart. She's knows what stopped me that faithful day. I hope she doesn't make a big deal about it.

"Ah," she finally speaks. "That's the new girl, isn't she?"

"She's not a title. Her name's Spencer."

"She's cute."

"She's delicious." I correct her.

"She also doesn't know about the bet. It's dangerous, don't you think? She'll probably play in, then everybody will know you're gay and the attention will be non-stop."

"I swear, there's something better than what my sexuality is. I heard Madison fucked a freshmen geek to get a C on her Math final so she can continue cheerleading. Isn't that a scandal enough? I mean, I would've strived for an A, but we all know she only puts in minimal effort because her rich papi will come along soon and pay for her train wreck of a career as a singer."

"You have too much time on your hands," Kyla chuckles.

"That's what you have when you're a recovering drug addict. Besides, who the fuck cares if I like girls or boys? Labels are so stupid. I didn't even call Aiden my boyfriend when we were together."

"He didn't tell me that."

"Well, it probably bothered him. I didn't want to call him my boyfriend; he was just someone I was intimate with and deeply cared for."

"Did you love him?"

"Kyla," I scoffed.

"Because he loved you."

I gave her a look and she continued on, with serious insistence on her face.

"Seriously, we talk about it, all the time now since the relapse. He loves you, just as much as I love you, and as much as it pains me to say, Evil Incarnate loves you, too. We all do, Ash, and we don't want to lose you. So I wish you just talk to me. I'll make an effort that Aiden isn't around as much."

"You don't have to do that," I rush. "Seriously, Kyla, he doesn't bother me. I'm just in a mood."

"Ashley, I haven't talked to you in a couple days. That scares me. I don't want another phone call. And you can deny it all you want but I know my relationship with Aiden bothers you. You're not there yet and I'm sorry for being caught up in the relationship, but you're my number one, and you're Aiden's too. No matter how much you don't believe it."

"Kyla, this is stupid."

"I don't think it is. He misses you, I extremely miss you, and I constantly worry about you. I want to know how you're doing, we both do. Aiden doesn't say this out loud, but I know if he lost you again, he'd be extremely heartbroken. Me?" She scoffs, and goddamn it, a tear has fallen. "I wouldn't be able to function. So if you can't talk to us, at least talk to me. Even if it's just a brief phone call every day, just to check in."

I sniff and look away. I'm done crying, you see, and my sister being emotional about my distance really threatens to break my vow. It's several moments of her silently crying before I'm able to get my bearing and give her my infamous deadpan glare.

"Why do you always cry when you're emotional?" I ask, rhetorically.

She laughs and goes for a side hug that's lasts a lot longer than I expected. I close my eyes and maneuver my angle so I can hug her better. I'm slightly overwhelmed how much I miss hugging her. I reciprocate her squeeze and soften when she kisses my cheek.

"I love you, Ash. Please call?"

"I love you, too," I barely say above normal octave. "And fine, I'll call every day to check in."

"Thank you. We need to have a girl's day."

"Yeah, I'll be down. And Kyla?"

"Yes?"

"You don't need to worry about me relapsing. I meant what I said after rehab. I'm sober this time."

"I know, but there's temptations, and that's what I worry about."

"You don't need to."

I sound so sure, and she picks up on that. She tilts her head and smiles like she's proud of me. I know what she's going to say next and I'm going to disappoint her.

"You're going to your counseling sessions?" She asks.

I lick my lips as my eyes are like magnets to Spencer as she walks into the building to her right with Chelsea by her side and they're giggling like they're best friends. She's so cute.

"No, I have something better."

I trail my sentence and Kyla frowns at my statement. She'll figure out soon that my "something better" is Spencer Carlin. I can already foresee Kyla's objections when it becomes clear that I wasn't going to move on from Spencer once I had, but that's something I will deal with in the future. For now, Kyla can think that Spencer is a temporary distraction, when in reality, she's my new addiction.

****** MF ******

I let her watch me for several weeks before I decided to make my move. There's only so much I can take just admiring from afar. Her beauty deserves to be ravish with attention - my attention. I can make her feel like L.A. is another mysterious world she didn't know exists. I could quite literally rock her world.

There's a party tonight - my first high school house party since before I got pregnant and Aiden and I were just in the beginning stages of our relationship. After shit went down and pretty much wasted down the drain I pretty much deemed high school house party way below my party lifestyle pay grade. Fucking teen celebrities in night clubs while doing coke and other various party favors was my norm.

I was nervous but not in the sense that it would be my first social outing since I took rehab seriously. I was nervous for Spencer, as this party will be the moment everything changes for her in more way I could only fantasize or phantom for her. I know she's been to parties; she's too gorgeous to be a the type of nice girl that stayed home and read on Friday nights. But where she comes from? L.A. parties was like the giant that squished little tiny humans just because they can. Parties out here can be epic, especially with the social outlets King offers.

Spencer could be overwhelmed tonight. That's why I was nervous, although, honesty, it has more to do with the fact I'll actually get her in my world tonight. It was the anxiety of having her all to myself finally settling into reality. This girl - no, this woman - I just know, is good things for me. Every day, I credit her to saving me because she will never know the incredible feat she accomplishes just by being alive. It was like God finally answers what I so silently, desperately begged for to stop all the pain and misery. She is literally my earth-bound angel.

Even though I gave up on God, Spencer is the one thing that makes me think that maybe, just maybe, there is a higher-power being calling the shots on my life. I'm starting to believe in fate just because I smelled her strawberry shampoo. Crazy, right? What-the-fuck-ever, have you seen her? Thank you.

She's here, looking all cute and uncomfortable in the setting. It might have to do with the fact that her brother ditched her and this buffoon is manhandling her. Glen needs to work better looking after his sister, but her vulnerability is my advantage, so I can't judge him badly on his poor decisions of getting drunk in the quickest manner possible. Our meeting needs to be isolated among the mass. It's already a shit-storm when people notice that I grace my presence and it's going to be twist and loops when I make Spencer known that she's on my radar.

Oh, honey, if only you know just how long and how deep you are on my radar. I inhale but disguise the movement when I take a bite on a strawberry and if it's weird I'm eating the fruit, no one says anything. Trust, it's better that way and it speaks volumes that the non-questions aren't being asked. These people are afraid of me and they should be. Except for Spencer. Spencer should be intrigued and she definitely is with how cool and nonchalant she's trying to act whenever her eyes dart to me. I keep her eye contact and I know she's freaking out on the inside. She's so fucking cute.

I chose this spot specifically for this stupid game. Let the record show that I'm only participating in childish acts (so what I suggested the game with Spencer in my mind - it's our secret) because of the object of my addiction. It's the only way I can seduce her into my world, although I'm sure all I have to do is lick my lips and she'd be my sex slave if I asked her. But I'm not that perverted or sick - unless she asks me to. My kinkiness has always been fluid to my partner and I'm sure she's lioness in the making. Whatever she wants, I will devote the world to her.

As long as Spencer Carlin is in my life, I will lead a clean and sober life. That, I'm sure of to the caliber of 200%. That, is how deep I am to her. It's fucking crazy how insane I am about her and we haven't officially met, but there's that invisible pull. You know what I'm talking about. It's that magnetic gravity that makes you want to be around a person. It's that gut instinct that says this person is going to change everything about how you see the world. It's the sensual, sexualized attraction that tells you devotion to another person is the best selfish act you ever done in your life.

Dare I say it's love at first sight? Whatever you fucking want to call it, it's a need. I need her in my life, and finally, she's about to. It's my turn and I spin the bottle just right that it lands on her (years of practice and perfection, thank you). If she has a bad heart, well, my angel would've been taken away from me too soon. I find it adorable she thinks her freak-out is inner but I can see it all over face. She's in shock and I'm about to put aftershocks in her world. Catcalls surround us but I ignore them and make sure to only stare at her. She sees my intensity because she's frozen - hasn't moved to release a stiff muscle and I'm glad we're already making this connection.

_It's only us, baby. Only us in this world._

I predictably say dare knowing that the hot rumor about me is fuel to these idiots and he goes for the most unoriginal thought, but then again, that's what I was planning on. He dares me to kiss Spencer and my world is brighter at the prospect of tasting her for the first time. I know it will be unforgettable.

I do my seduction and offer her the precursor shot. I feel slightly bad that I have to give her alcohol for our first kiss, but I don't need her hyperventilating. If she wants alcohol to soothe her nerves, then I'll give it to her no problem. Besides, as long as I'm surrounded with support and stability, I won't feel the urge to go back to drugs. This environment is pushing it but all the support and stability I need is in Spencer. I have no desire to do a shot with her because I know this kiss will be earth-defying.

The alcohol slightly causes her to choke but I know it's just the first burn. She's probably used to drinking the cheap stuff back in the mid-west. These type of parties? Rich kids have access to the illegal, good shit. She just drank top-shelf tequila, but Spencer doesn't need to know that. What she needs to know is that this moment will be pivotal in both our lives.

After the shot, it's time. I straddle her because I like to tease and see how far I can go. I need to know where to start and how much she can take. Then I ease her in. We start off slow and my god, I can't breathe. She tastes… mind-blowing irresistible. She's the too much candy on Halloween. She's a Tootsie-Roll Pop. She's that indescribable chocolate.

And the way she kisses me back tells me there so much untapped potential. She needs her limits pushed. She doesn't know what she wants and I know how to make up her mind. There's so much she's not exposed to and I'm absolutely giddy in showing her what this world is like. She's a vixen hidden in a meek, little girl. Soon, Spencer Carlin will know who she really is and I will be there every step of the way. She's an amazing girl, waiting for her sexuality to be explored. I am more than a willing participant.

But first, I need to introduce myself.

I end the kiss with a little love bite, showing her just a taste of what's to come. The way her eyes dilate tells me she can handle it. This is a great, positive start.

"I'm Ashley." I tell her when I pull back.

End Chapter 2.

**Hope this makes up for it. Obsession will be updated as soon as I can.**

**Review if you'd like.**

**MF**


	4. Chapter 4

Addiction

**It's been awhile. Thank you for all the support. This is the companion to Ashley's inner musings after making out with Spencer in that pivotal party. Hope you enjoy.**

**MF **

Ch. 3 - Making Out is Like Sex

She tastes better than what I imagine. Holy fuck, she was out of this world. She tasted like a newly discovered aphrodisiac; so tempting and sweet and endless. And when I bit her lip? She thought it was subtle, but the small buck of her hips confirmed everything. She was waiting to be corrupted. And holy shit, that was a turn-on.

I wanted so bad to take her. Introduce her to the world. Groom her, worship her, awaken her. But I couldn't scare her off. I had to be patient. She wasn't a prize, far from it, but she was my reward. She's my sobriety, I'm so sure of it. I couldn't come on too strong because if I lost her, I would be in ruins.

It should scare me, how dependent of her I am and she's still just a stranger. That's what so frustrating for me. She's still just a stranger and I want to know everything about her: her personality, body, and soul. It was so hard to pull away from that kiss two nights ago and act nonchalant. All I wanted after that first taste was to explore. Ask her things, find out what makes her tick, what she wanted in this world and I will give it to her. I wanted all kinds of things that night but I have to remind myself, constantly, she's all new to this. I couldn't come on too strong, even though everything inside me was screaming she could handle it.

Baby steps, therapy constantly said.

I exhale an elongated breath and close my eyes. I stretch my body out on my bed and remember the patience I learned in rehab. It's time to clear my mind.

"I am disciplined." I chant, lowly.

I say it several times before her lips come back into the forefront of my mind. I can't get over how soft and plump they were. The way her lips moved with mine was like a memory touch or something. Her lips were in sync with mine, mesmerized with each stroke and mimicked. It was the perfect first kiss and filled with so many promises.

She's testing me, I know it. Testing my control, my will, my need. She doesn't even know it, but she's consuming everything about me. I could barely function all weekend because of our kiss. She's in my dreams when I'm unconscious and in my thoughts when I'm conscious. She's so beautiful and full of perfection.

I'm going to talk to her on Monday, get things rolling, although exactly what I'm going to say or how to approach even, is beyond me. I'm fucking freestyling this, man, which is what makes it always interesting. But sometimes, I do wish I have a well-thought out plan because Spencer deserves the absolute best. I only know of the things I can't do and I guess that's a good of a starting point than anything else.

All I know for certain is that she needs to be in my life. I can't lose her, so, the game plan so far is to be mysterious. I know it's what caught her attention in the first place. I'll keep that persona for now, although that part of me reminds me of the person I was pre-rehab. Being mysterious was a part I played for attention and honestly, what everyone expected out of me in the party scene. I was the rebelling rocker's daughter and I shouldn't give a fuck, right? It's a part I played pretty well and sometimes that scares me looking back at all the destructive decisions I made back then. But I know the difference now. Being mysterious now is no way the same then it was back then. Now, the only attention I want is Spencer's.

My thoughts are straying to regrets, so I wiggle my back a little bit and re-focus. Her soft moan filters my mind and I'm relaxed again. That moan had me arch higher into her and I felt the tension in her body as she hesitated to grab my hips. I knew me on top of her was sensory overload but when she did hold on to me, it was when everything clicked. Something inside was energized to have her permanently and the way she responded told me she wanted the same. It was like she was waiting for me her whole life and the feeling was definitely mutual. When I told her my name, I knew for sure she was put here for me.

She's everything for me. She's my anchor, my foundation, my innocence to my new sober life. She's my salvation. She's my angel. I just know once our relationship blossoms, we're going to be something beautiful. We're going to be the prettiest flower in the wild, open field.

Look at me, being so poetic and I don't even fully know her yet. It should be scary, right? I shouldn't feel so much for a stranger, but I feel like she's not. I already know a lot about her even though I haven't said so much as a complete sentence to her, besides telling her my name. There's more to learn, there's more to teach, though, and that's why I'm so sure I'm what she needs in her life; what she's waited for until now. Hell, she saved me from falling off the wagon even though she'll probably never truly know how special that is to me. We need each other in our lives, that I was sure of before I kissed her. Now, I'm absolutely positive. This is a sign, the universe playing its part to have us in each other's lives.

I just know, I'm absolutely for sure positive, that she is my soul mate.

**MF MF MF**

Monday can't come any slower and my tan is already perfect so the only thing to preoccupy my mind from the kiss is to lay in bed with my computer. God, I haven't done this in so long. The warmness of my laptop on my chest is just a minor distraction as I open up the software I had yet to use in almost two years. I hesitate, as I remember the painful memories that surround what I'm about to do and I almost close the program. Spencer's smile flashes in the forefront of my mind and my index finger slides down instead of up. I find myself grinning. Everything is about her now and I'm absolutely giddy about that. For once, I can look forward to the future.

But how can I incorporate the past with the future without blurring some sort of line? Even though I didn't close the program, I still have no idea what I'm doing. Producing beats was a way to escape and party. I inherited the musical gene from my dad, I just found a different path. Producing hip-hop beats used to be my passion. It represented a huge part of my past and something I wanted to be serious about but making beats was associated with the drugs. Clubs wanted my mixes and I produced and was starting to build a name for myself but the process required a certain lifestyle and requirements of party favors not only to look cool, but also to keep up. My life was about music and drugs and both coincided to one another. I couldn't function without doing both because it provided a major distraction to what I was escaping.

Then the accident happened and my dad was put in a coma. You know the story. Guilt, rehab one habit only to start a new one, father dies, and relapse is my best friend. All of a sudden, I'm so tired. Producing beats starts to become a chore. Then look what happens. I almost kill myself and I'm looking at life and seeing how harsh it could truly get. How ugly it could be. I'm slapped hard, several times, in the face with it. The reality was clear: I shouldn't be doing something I love when I hate myself. When I took the second rehab seriously, I stopped producing. That part of my life was over and being in music was just too hard. I couldn't love it like I loved my dad. The similarities were too much, and honestly, it represented someone I didn't want to be anymore.

Much to Kyla's sadness (and mine too, I suppose) I stopped. It wasn't the same and I wasn't ready to continue the musical legacy. Although it was something to do ("We like hobbies" rehab always says), I didn't trust myself with it. I'm always afraid of doing something positive that will trigger the negative. I didn't think I was strong enough to start producing and not associate it with my past life and reminisce. I had so much fun when I didn't care about anything. I'm afraid it's going to make me go back. So I stopped.

I remember the day I told Kyla I was done producing. She visited me in rehab on a rare day Aiden wasn't glued to her side. She brought my laptop and said she remembered what I said last time when she asked me about group therapy. She was super excited about bringing a hobby to me. With so much hope in her eyes and tentative pride in her smile, she presented my computer like it was a grand prize or something and suggested I produce a simple beat. She said daddy would be proud. Surely, I felt inspired. I accepted my computer but stared at the closed top for a long time, so long that it looked like I was in a trance and Kyla called my name several times. My eyes flicked up and bit my bottom lip because I knew I was about to break her heart again. I told her I was done and when she asked why I tried as best I could to explain my fears without getting frustrated. Back then, it was so hard to express my feelings with words. Fuck, it's still hard.

Luckily, she didn't push. She held my hand as I tripped over my words and kept eye contact over the long, awkward pauses as I explained. By the end of my speech, tears were freely flowing down her cheeks and she apologized profusely for bringing in a bad habit. I tried to comfort her and tell her she didn't know and I did love producing just like daddy loved making music but the dream had to die. She worried for weeks that she unintentionally brought in something that would make me relapse. It took me the same amount of time to convince her she didn't accidentally bring in my demise.

I always wonder why Kyla didn't delete the program from my laptop. I thought that day she took a proactive way to get rid of everything that could get me to relapse. But today, I'm grateful she didn't because for the first time in six months, I can associate producing with something positive and guess who that is. That's right, fucking beautiful Spencer Carlin. I want to make beats that impress; that remind me of her, that show the simplicity and sexiness of her natural aura. I want to make beats that make her dance and have her connect to the specialness that is simply her.

I'm feeling inspired so I play around with the program, using all kinds of commands that make the perfect tempo and next thing I know, I have a solid, good beat. The tip of my tongue rubs against the inside of my incisor and I sort of frown at my screen. The beat could use some tweaking because it doesn't exactly, just right, describe Spencer. I picture her mesmerizing eyes and shy smile and I know what section I need to manipulate. I know my signature mischievous smirk has graced my lips and my fingers glide all over my mouse track and keyboard as I tweak that one part that will make this beat perfect. When I'm done, this beat will scream Spencer.

"Oh, my God."

I hear from my doorway and I immediately look up from what I'm doing.

"Are you producing music with a smile on your face?" She asks.

I roll my eyes hard but my smile stays. I move my laptop to my thighs and sit up. I purposely bate my response because I know it annoys her. I raise an eyebrow and wait until she huffs.

"What are you doing here, Kyla?" I ask her instead, purposely ignoring her question.

"Uh, I live here." She responds and I just stare.

It unnerves her when I don't answer her questions properly and no later than 30 seconds later, she's sauntering into my room. I roll my eyes at her predictability. She literally hops like a bunny onto my bed and I can't help but chuckle. I realize I'm smiling and quickly morph it into a smirk. It's not like I don't want her to know I'm smiling, it's just my signature is a smirk. Besides, I was thinking how ten times cuter Spencer would be if she hopped onto my bed. Speaking of Spencer and my bed, I absolutely cannot wait for that to happen. I close my eyes for a second. The possibilities are endless.

"Why are you so smiley?" Kyla frowns at me.

"Why are you asking all these questions?" I fire back. "It's Sunday. It's relax day before hell tomorrow."

Only tomorrow won't be hell. Tomorrow will be marvelous and the beginning of a beautiful relationship. Tomorrow will be the day where I actively pursue Spencer. I'm gonna show her a world of self-discovery and adventures. She's gonna know who she really is when she's with me. She's gonna peak and I cannot wait to be there for her. I'm gonna give her a whole new world and she'll be mine to precious and spoil. I subconsciously smile again just thinking about her.

"Seriously, what is up with you?" Kyla once again rudely interrupts my thoughts. "You have never smiled this much in a span of twenty seconds."

"Would you shut up? I'm not smiling, idiot." I childishly defend myself.

"You so are!"

"So not." I screw up my face to give her my patented "Bitch, you crazy" look.

"So are." She does that annoying Valley girl voice and I roll my eyes to the point where I don't see anything for a few seconds.

"Seriously, why are you smiling? And why are you producing beats? I thought you said that was apart of your old self and you were done."

"Maybe I found newfound faith I can make beats and be sober." I shrug.

Silently, I correct myself. It isn't faith, it's Spencer. Her mesmerizing smile flashes before me inside my mind and I fight my smile. Oh, my God, it was so hard.

"And who is your faith?"

Kyla side eyeballs me and I turn my neck to glare at her. Of course she has the sixth sense that it has to do with a girl. I just hope she doesn't realize it's Spencer and tries to downgrade it. Don't get me wrong, I know where she's coming from and her concern. I do have a tendency to use girls and spit them out. I lose interest and Kyla doesn't necessary agree with my tendencies but she doesn't preach I'm a bad person.

I know if you ask her, she'll say she will take my sexual binges any day if it provides a distraction and keeps me sober. She'll accept anything that'll keep me sober. Besides, she knows the girls I have sex with aren't relationship material and aren't looking. But even Kyla can see what an innocent and wholesome girl Spencer is and my influence probably isn't the best. I can see her protests now and her assumptions that this isn't serious. I am a thousand percent sure that Spencer is my saving grace; my new addiction to keep me sober for the rest of my life. I just can't take Kyla being against it at the moment and her trying to convince me it's a bad idea, although I know she won't just come right out and bluntly say it. She'll be tentative about it and break it down, which I'm mentally prepared for. I just don't want to deal with it at the moment. I want to be in my happy bubble.

"Who says it has to do with a girl? Why can't I just feel good about myself and decide to mess around again with something I love?" I deflect.

"So, you're saying it has nothing to do with the girl you made-out with on Friday night?"

"Of course you heard about that." I roll my eyes and drone, sarcastically.

"You almost let Madison win the bet," she informed me. "But good cover with the game, making out with everyone else. Everyone is saying it didn't count."

"Teenagers are so stupid." I elongate the so.

"Yes, we are. So?"

"So what?"

"So, it has nothing to do with that new girl? You can tell me."

I know I can. I just don't want to at the moment. I don't want to deal with how you think it's just a phase and I'm gonna break Spencer's heart. I need more time to figure out how to tell you I'm serious without telling you to fuck off. I need to figure out how to be more open with you instead of deflecting. I need to be honest with you but my mouth is glued shut.

That's everything I should've told my sister. But I still have my coward tendencies. So, I do what I do best with her. I deflect to protect both of us.

"I'm just happy I found something. And I'm bored, so I decided to mix things up. Things are looking up, Kyla. Aren't you happy for me?"

"Of course I am." she smiles. "All I want for you is your happiness. I love you to pieces, Ash."

She squeezes me in a side hug and I scrunch my face at the awkwardness of the angle but I do feel warm inside. It's crazy invaluable I have her support and love. She does everything in her power to make sure I know it and I am eternally grateful for her. She is the only bloodline I have left of my father and I vowed a long time ago to never let her down. She and my mother are the only ones I have left of my family. I wrap my arms around her shoulders and squeeze back harder.

"You too," I say, quietly.

**MF MF MF**

I love her dumbfounded look. God, she's so fucking cute. Like, I want to cup her cheeks and kiss her soundly and never let go as she knows what it's really like to kiss someone who adores you for you. _Soon_, I tell myself as a wicked smirk appears slyly on my lips. She's staring at me as I come up with the most lame conversation starter but I did that on purpose. Coming right off acting like I already know her could scare her away. I play dumb in the most obvious way. It's just a show for her and these idiots that surround me. I could've cornered her after school, in a more seclusive place, but that would've required waiting after school. And I wanted this public. Public will allow me to be self-conscious of my actions. All I want to do is throw this girl against a wall and sex her up but that's a little too forward, no? If people are watching, it will minimize my sexual desires to devour her. Just until right now, though. Wait until I kiss her, then she will be mine and I will show her ways and things about this world that will awaken the tigress in my soul mate. Fuck, I can't wait.

"You're Spencer, right?"

I ask the most obvious dumb fucking question in the universe. Although I self-prepped myself that this was the best course, I couldn't help the scoff escaping my throat. I sounded so lame but Spencer doesn't seem to notice although her eyes narrow at my scoff. She catches on pretty quickly and I find myself smirking. From the get-go, this girl is incredible and intelligent. From the moment I smelled her shampoo, I knew she was the one I needed in my life. Look at the good choices I'm making. She knows on some level but I'm sure she's refusing to acknowledge it at the moment. Sweetie, it's okay, we'll work on your self-confidence. I'll make you feel like you're more important than that old bag, Queen Elizabeth. You'll be the ruler of my world soon enough.

God, I can't get over her cute look. She looks so flabbergasted and shocked and it's so adorable. I know it's killing her she's not answering any of my questions or the fact she can't even speak. I continue to ask dumb questions like how long she's been in L.A. and if she liked it so far. If she liked King (gag). Has she explored L.A.? None of it she answers, and only looks shocked that I'm trying to make friendly conversation and becomes increasingly aware that everyone is staring.

Her eyes nervously dart between making eye contact with me and her surroundings and I can tell she's a little bit intrigued that they're intrigued. Literally, these idiots have nothing better to do than actually stop what they're doing and watch me converse with her. I give Spencer credit for not totally freaking out over this. She's going to find out about the bet at some point and I'd rather it came from me. Actually, I'm surprised she's still in the dark.

I should bail her out but I am enjoying how sweetly awkward she looks. I can't help but tease her a little bit more and step closer to her. Fucking tray. I want nothing more than to slap it down so our bodies could be close like it was Friday night. Maybe even closer. But that would be a show. And I don't perform unless I'm rewarded and Spencer isn't quite free-spirited yet. She's still like a timid bunny rabbit just being introduced to the large expanse of the forest floor. Everything is big and new and she's needs a slight adjusting. I'm here, baby, I'm here. I can't help but lick my lips and ask one simple question we both know the answer to.

"Do I make you nervous?" I ask.

"People are staring."

She says the first coherent thought and I can't help but truly smile at that and chuckle, although it's a very short one. She looks at me expectantly, like I'm supposed to look or something, but there's no point. These assholes were staring the moment I started walking towards her. _O-M-G, Ashley Davies is approaching the new girl! Wait, didn't she make out with her Friday? Is she gay? She made out with tons of people Friday night, that doesn't prove anything, but this might. Let's watch like they're fucking zoo animals!_

I refuse to let my frustrations with my idiotic peers get the best of me as I'm trying to talk to the girl of my dreams. As if I'll break eye contact with this beautiful creature in front of me. They couldn't pay me a million dollars to take my attention away from her just to indulge their gawking. Although fucking with them is so much fun, but I have better things to focus on, like Spencer's lips. And her delicious ear that is so tempting for me to whisper in. I can't resist and step closer to her ear.

I lean in and I hear her breath gasp and I smirk, although she can't see it. I love her reactions to me. She wants me just as much as I want her. God, I'm so close to a happy life. Patience, and by the weekend, she'll be mine in every way. I'll rock her in ways that'll keep her addicted to me. I'll ruin her for anyone else. Shit, being so close to her is like Heaven and Hell. I can't help the tip of my tongue graze the outline shell of her ear. God, what an appetizer. She kind of squirms and I'm so proud of myself.

"And they have every right to," I whisper.

I know my raspy voice is doing things to her.

"This is the first time in two years they have seen me hold a conversation with a person for more than two minutes."

I pause, debating if I accidentally kill her with embarrassment with what I want to say. I can't help but want to tease her because of her looks when she least expects it makes me feel giddy inside. She's so fucking cute! I know this is at least the third time I said something like that and I don't care how mushy I sound. Her looks of shock are such a turn-on, and well, it's fun to mess with her. My playful side is showing and I love how she's bringing it out and making me feel comfortable around her. In time, she will know how much of a big deal this is. So, in a split second, I decided that I will go in for the kill and continue my thought.

"Or should I say I just talked while the other drooled at my hotness?" I tease.

Immediately, her hand flies up to wipe her mouth of any drool. She realizes what she just did and her eyes widen in embarrassment and I almost feel bad, but what I mostly feel is happiness. I genuinely laugh at her actions and now she doesn't look too embarrassed or hurt at my reaction. In fact, I see the corners of her mouth start to rise and maybe, just maybe, I'll finally hear her beautiful laugh. I haven't actually heard her laugh up close but it's fucking Spencer; everything about her is beautiful. I'm sure her laugh is like romantic music, flowers and roses and love.

But I stop her. I don't know why, but I have the urge to touch her bottom lip; the one she hastily brushed her fingers across and dumbly found no drool. My urge to touch her is unbearable and I allow this one contact in public. Surely, this will buzz around school in no time and I'll get a look of concern and a tone of trepidation from Kyla within an hour of so after this, but fuck it.

I can allow some temptation when it comes to Spencer.

My thumb slowly glides along the length of her bottom lip. We keep eye contact throughout and long after I completed the journey. God, her eyes are so intoxicatingly addictive. I could swim in those blue hues and my life is complete. She feels the intensity, I know it, even after I tell her she missed a spot. Her eyes dart down to my lips and I have to walk away before fucking Madison wins the bet. Fuck, it was the hardest thing to say, telling her that I would see her later. I had to force myself to turn around and walk away.

_Later_, I tell myself. In a couple of hours, in the privacy between us, her lips will be on mine again. In a couple of hours, my life will be so much better once I kiss her. Then, truly, she will be mine. Fuck, after school needs to come _now_.

**MF MF MF**

Surprising Spencer is quickly becoming my favorite thing to do in life. An agonizing two hours later, I'm talking to her again and she jumps, her entire body straight-rod, yet comically similar to a cartoon character when they're scared shitless. You know the one, where they jump diagonally and an outline of their skeleton pops up. Her embarrassing fear shows so much in her body and it's so fucking cute how much she thinks she's an idiot around me. She's far the opposite; only nervous which will soon change. In fact, if anyone should be nervous, it should be me. I don't want to push her too forward and scare her off. That would be devastating.

The small lack of self-confidence only flashes and I find myself grinning and thinking to myself how ridiculous the thought is. She could handle it. I can see it in her demeanor that she just doesn't know what to do and needs guidance. She's ready, she just doesn't know it. That's where I come in and give her the best damn life her young self will start to live. She thinks I'm smirking because my soft, raspy voice is doing things to her. Well, that, too, but she can mostly think that. For now.

It's mesmerizing to me how much of an affect I have on her. I can see the stalling in her body, how she doesn't really want to face me head on and she's mentally preparing herself to be around me. I find it extremely fucking adorable. I have no qualms being in her personal space and making her fluster. It's a little entertaining watching her silently freak out when she's so obvious and it makes me want to tease her more and hold her to death at the same time. I'm such an ass for pulling all these emotions from her and toying with them, but in a way, it's sort of research. I need to know how much she can handle and based on her reactions now, I see so much potential. She's not used to this much sexual teasing. The more I throw, the more she'll take. She just needs to get used to it.

"Were you not taught personal space as a child?" She asks, quietly.

She means to say this low and possibly under her breath, but I heard it. See! She's definitely getting used to me, which makes me so fucking gleeful and I have butterflies in my stomach. All of the possibilities flash right in front of my eyes. My smirk is wider than a Cheshire's grin. She can definitely hear it, too, in my comeback.

"Ooh, kitty has fangs." I respond.

"Isn't it claws?"

I shrug, even though she can't see it. "I like biting."

Killed. I killed her and I can't help the full smile even if I tried. She immediately stops what she's doing in her locker. I can tell she knows she has to face me and stop being a coward with her head buried in her locker. She's not a coward, though, far from it. She's timid at best, but aren't all courageous people when they first start off a venture? She's going to be so fucking amazing once I build her confidence. She's already the best damn thing in my life. Finally, she comes out of her shell and slams her locker door shut then faces me. The way her posture straightens and she looks me in the eye tells me her courage is building. I'm so proud. I already know what she's going to ask me, so I force myself to look blasé as possible. I really want to kiss her right now.

"Why are you talking to me?" She asks.

_Play your game._ I mentally tell myself.

"Why are you staring at me?" I counter.

Holy shit, it takes everything inside me not to kiss her right now. Her shocked look makes me weak in the knees. I know she's resisting checking her mouth for drool. She looks momentarily distracted as her eyes automatically do what I accuse. She stares at everything my body offers and I bite my bottom lip to resist attacking her lips with mine. Spencer checking me out makes me feel warm and safe. God, I'm so addicted to her. Finally, she snaps out of it and continues her questioning while walking away. I easily match her strides, even though she's taller.

"Did you figure out who I was by Glen?" She asks.

It's natural to be suspicious, and obviously, I don't blame her.

"Who's Glen?"

She stops walking and seems offended I don't know her brother. Of course, I know of him, but she's implying I talked to her brother about her. I simply didn't, so I deny knowing him. There's a difference, but she doesn't seem to know this and that's okay. She'll know soon enough all this is about her and only her. Her popular brother has nothing to do with this.

"Glen."

She says his name like he runs King. Ha! He fucking wishes.

"I don't know a Glen."

"Glen Carlin, my brother."

She's in hysterics and I can't help the small laughs escaping my throat.

"Blond new kid who's practically a stud and rock star. He sits adjacent to you at lunch every day for a month at the popular table."

She's so indignant that I don't know her brother. It's so fucking amusing I have to walk away so she doesn't think I'm laughing at her. Technically, I am, but it's at her hysterics that I don't know her brother when in reality, she should be happy she's not in her brother's shadow. I guess she's used to it. That's about to change.

She catches up to me as I respond. "He's a stud and a rock star?"

My blasé tone is really starting to make her think, which is good.

"He's actually challenging my position at this school?"

She briefly stops again then catches up. She's so curious and asking the right questions. I'm bursting with pride, man.

"Then how do you know me?"

Ding, ding, ding!

I smirk. "I have my connections."

"How did you know me and not my brother? That's like, insane. Almost impossible."

The answer was simple and she needed to know that. I stop so I could look in her eyes and she can see the sheer truth in them. She stops the same time I do and almost runs into me and God, did I wish her body collide with mine. The smooth, yet sizzling sensation once our skin touched that Friday night flashes in my mind. I want that feeling back, but soon enough, I'll touch her again. First, she needs to know. I can tell she's hypnotized by my eyes but I bring her back to reality when I shrug and tell her softly the truth.

"I wasn't interested in your brother."

She follows me like I know she will.

**End of Ch. 3.**

**Thank you again for all the support and patience. Obsession will be up in the next coming weeks. I will start writing it tomorrow, promise. Review if you'd like.**

**MF**


	5. Chapter 5

Addiction

**I know. It's been a long, long time. To recap, October was a shitty month. It's starts off with a really bad car accident that leaves me out of work for a combined two months. No income equals depression, equals writing suffering. But life is a pretty face that will stab you in the back and you keep fighting. You suffer through the stabbing and you keep going. It's been a whirlwind since the accident, but I'm better. There's still issues, but everything in my life is back on track. **

**So, I'm sorry you guys waited so long. But life does that to you; it makes you wait as it fucks everything over. So, thank you for your patience and continuing with this story.**

**The saga continues with the companion, Obsession, very soon.**

**MF**

Ch. 4 - When She Follows, You Lead

She follows so obediently. And I know she's in a trance with my ass and I would be lying if I said it wasn't just about the physical attraction she has for me. It feels nice to know she's obsessed with my ass and perfect figure. Power plays with your mind a little bit too, but her staring feeds my addiction. She's attracted to me, which makes what I'm about to do so smooth and easy for her. The transition for her is going to be so awe-aspiring. I can't wait to show her this world. And I absolutely cannot wait for that sexual peak.

She's my soul about to be introduced to a world of love and beauty; sexual gratifying nature that brings butterflies and roses. She has no idea what she's getting herself into when she follows me without a word to the gym. The fact that she willingly followed me here proves the woman inside her is waiting to burst under the surface of the self-conscious teenager girl she currently is. Baby, I'm the right person for the job. She's amazing now, but once she fully lets go of herself to me, she's going to be incredible. She's going to be literal perfection. She's going to be the person who is right for me. She is going to be my goddess and I will worship every fucking crevice of her body and soul.

I let her enjoy the show. I have to chuckle that she doesn't even notice the gym is empty or that a basketball was placed in the corner just for me from the guy I bribed. He was the student team manager and a hundred bucks got him to convince the basketball coach to hold practice outside. The gym had the strong acoustics that echoed my heels. I walked to the three-point line and asked Spencer if she liked basketball. God, she looked like she was in a one-track trance and it was so adorable.

She was easily brainwashed by my sexiness and the power inside me goes out of control. I watched her with a smile as she took in everything physical thing about my breasts then my mouth. I could tell her to rob a bank and she would do it, complying agreement in what I would imagine be a drone voice. I almost entertain the idea of her calling me master, but that's just too dominant for me. Spencer isn't someone I want to control or feel she's lesser than me. She's better than me; she's my saving grace, my sobriety, my will to live.

But maybe some role-playing if she's down for it.

But ultimately, this entire thing has to be equal. I could never think Spencer would do my every bidding just because she's obsessed with me. This is not about power or control; emotionally or sexually. She has to want me as much as I want her. I will teach but she has to want it. She has to make the first move. The only way I know none of us is being taking advantage of is if she tells me she wants me. I will make her feel like she is the only one; that she hasn't experienced life in such a beautiful way that I have knowledge of. A way I could teach her. Ways of awakening every part of her soul. She would know what it will be like to be worshipped. But only if she tells me she wants it; that she's ready for it. And I see it in her eyes that she is. She just needs a little pushing. So, here I am, turning on the charm.

She realizes, belatedly, that I asked her a question and fires one back at me. I can't help the laugh as my smile is plastered on my face. She makes me smile all the time now. She's so it for me and I'm praying to a God I stopped believing in that she really is an angel he sent for me. I can't bear her not being in my life. I fucking need Spencer and I'm not ashamed of it. Please, don't run away, I mentally beg her but outside, I'm cool.

"I said, 'do you like basketball?'" I say, gently.

Her confusion is so cute as her face scrunches. "I guess. My brother was on the team at our old school."

"How about we make this about you and not your brother?"

I knew I said the right thing when shock kind of takes over her face. My suspicions were right that she did live in her brother's shadow. The anger slightly boils that no one noticed her. She's like, fucking sparkling diamonds! But their loss is my very, very prosperous gain. I feel like I've discovered gold.

Then she takes a breath and says okay. I ask her if she likes basketball again and she says she does but then asks why. I suggest a game of horse as a subtle introduction to my plan and she's immediately skeptical we could play. It's impressive that someone like me who doesn't play sports could make a three-pointer. I guess I could thank those early days with Aiden when we were together. But it's even sexier and captivating when I make a three-pointer in heels. I will admit I am definitely showing off and I'm enjoying the full attention Spencer gives me. The fact I made the shot and she's shocked with her eyes wide and her mouth slightly gaped in awe makes me want to devour her. But all this takes time and instead, I just look back at her with a cocky grin.

I am the shit, and she is so attracted to my confidence. Patience, though. _I am disciplined,_ I mentally chant three times to curve my impulse. She has to kiss me first.

"We win and we do what you want," I state, simply.

"And if you win?" She asks.

I shrug and gave her a little wink. "Well, if I win, I get to do whatever I want with you."

She's a fucking muddle on the inside but I love her confidence and her effort to not show it. She accepts my challenge and takes the ball out of my hands and heaves up a shot. She thinks I have a great ass, well, hers is a rival.

~MF MF MF ~

The things I could do to her because I won. It wasn't sexual. Okay, on some level, maybe, but this whole thing was based on more. I wanted to know every part of her body, mind, and soul all the while giving her the liberating freedom she so desperately wanted. Even before she knew I existed, I saw all of this. And the closer I looked at her, the more I was convinced I was a motherfucking mindreader, especially after the day I gave her.

She has no idea how I'm going to change her life. She's going to know what it's like to be loved and to live life as her own. I'm going to ruin her in the best of ways. I'm going to give her everything; the entire world in the palm of her hand, tucked fragile and glowing.

I will appreciate her in the only way I know how; by lavish and love. She's my angel after all, saving me from hell and anguish. She is my precious cargo, just waiting to be introduced. And introduce I will.

But I can't force it for her. She's scared, skittish almost, judging by hyperaware she was of all the people that stared today. I know I'm the first everything for her. First girl crush, first curiosity, first love, maybe. God, I hope so. Because the way I feel for her has never been for anyone else. Even Aiden, who was the for-all-end-all all those years ago. I thought he was the one, but I was so, so sadly mistaken. Spencer is my heart, and if she is falling, it will be magical for us. But of course, I can't tell her I love her. First, she has to admit she's gay.

I can tell her mind is racing. It has been since I gave her my personal tour of L.A. I showed her all the spots that was still cool to have Ashley Davies part of their clientele. I mostly took her around West Hollywood, the gayest hotspot ever, but the places I took her had the perfect mixture of chic and underground culture. Nothing was too over the top, and I could tell she was having fun with all the stores and venues I was taking her to, but she was questioning everything in the back of her mind. I knew she was asking herself it this was all worth it. Was she reading too much into it? Did I like her like that? Did she want more? Oh, yeah, was she even fucking gay?

Even when I gave her all the right signs, she is afraid. And I was happy with it. Her doubts are normal and it cements everything I suspect about her. She is my saving angel. She is my savior. She is my sobriety. Why am I so happy she's afraid of her feelings? Because it makes her human. Her feelings, her curiosity, her confidence in who she is in this world, is growing. And that makes her genuine. That makes her everything I need in this life to be clean. As long as she is with me, I will never do drugs again. She will save my life, I just know it. And I will open her world.

I know I'm laying it on thick with this sunset watch, but she has to know one of my favorite spots way up in Hollywood Hills. The orange hue silhouettes her natural blond hair. The full circle that crests the horizon is all kinds of romance but as she revels in the beauty of orange and yellow, I marvel on how breathtaking beautiful she looks in all these natural colors. Her tan skin is coming along nicely and the golden brown just pops her colorful eyes. Jesus fuck, that shade of blue should be illegal. Her entire profile is so enticing and all I want is to tell her how stunning she looks in just a pair of jeans and t-shirt; that her beauty is so natural and effortless. I want to tell her I can't breathe when I admire her. I want to preserve every curve in her body in my fingers and in my mind. I want to map and memorize her beauty. I want to let her know I will never let her go.

But I can't. I can't make the first move. She has to make that decision to explore, while I just guide. She has to know that she can take. What she wants, she gets. She just needs to take.

"Stop," I say, softly with my eyes closed.

She's going to hurt herself and cast doubt if she overthinks what's happening. I need to help instill her confidence. I need to start reassuring her that I want this just as much as her. I just need to nudge her a little bit. Just a little bit.

"What?" She asks.

"Stop thinking. You're gonna hurt yourself."

"Is that a blonde joke?"

"It's an observation."

I need to stretch, or maybe tease her just a little bit. I know she watches with intent as my back arches. It took everything inside me not to open my eyes and give her my cocky grin. The tension in my back releases (told you I needed to stretch) and I return to my normal position. I feel, more than hear, her sigh.

"I am relaxed." She says.

"I didn't say to relax," I countered. "I said to stop thinking. Whatever you think, it's not."

"And what do I think?"

"If this is real."

I feel her hesitation but I sense her curiosity turning into confidence. I gave her the window and I hope she climbs through it. I'm hoping with everything inside me she climbs through.

"So... you're not into me?"

And there she is.

"I don't usually do the pursuing. I actually enjoy being chased."

"Well, maybe it's time you need a workout."

There she is, my lover.

I laugh and fully address her by moving to my side and moving closer. But not close enough for her. I know she wants me on top, but if she wants, she's going to have to take. Soon, she will realize this, and I know it will be magical when she does.

"You're learning," I say.

"What?"

"You're afraid."

"Would you?"

Her whisper is so fucking sexy.

"No," I tell her, simply.

"No?"

"Because I'm here to catch you when you fall."

"What does that mean?"

"It means I can help you. You want to know if you're gay? If I'm into you? Fall."

This time, I am over her. All she has to do is pucker her lips. And I show her she's not the only one who can whisper so sexy.

"I can hold a lot. Trust me."

She waits for me to kiss her. When it becomes apparent I won't, she finally questions why I'm not kissing her. She shivers when I throw the question back and takes a deep breath when I nudge her just like I said I would.

"Do you want kiss me, Spencer? Or do you want me to kiss you?" I ask her. "What do you want?"

She takes and I let her. She kisses me, giving me permission to show her what she was missing before me. I kiss her back thoroughly and add in my teeth when we break apart for just that second to breathe. The kiss is phenomenal and I know she will never kiss anyone else again. Her lips are so toxic in the healthiest way. She is my fruit while everything around us is a garden. She is so delicious, and sweet, and enticing. She is my treat, and my treat only. And her lips are only the beginning of my devotion.

~MF MF MF ~

It was so hard to let her leave. The way her breath just inhales mine while her lips map out a sinful dance. The way her body attunes to mine like it needs to match my curves. She is so delightful, and amazing, and heaven. She tastes like something only I get to cherish. I'm falling so hard and I love it. and Goddamn, I didn't want to let her go.

But I had to let her go. For now. Tomorrow I will be whole again, and I can wait 12 hours. After all, I am disciplined. And it's good I let her stir with what just happened. She needs time to process and I hope I can convince her this isn't a game to me. I know she feels it is because her confidence isn't there at the moment. Which is fine; I love the fact she's growing and I'm teaching her. She is my caterpillar, waiting to be this serene, colorful butterfly flapping its wings and exploring the world. In due time, all of this will happen, and she will be mine to swell and feel love for. She will be mine to show off to the world; that this beautiful, beautiful girl is mine to love and cherish.

In due time.

"Are you wearing lip gloss?"

I frown at Kyla, who immediately ambushed me the moment I walked through the front door. What the fuck is she talking about? Subconsciously, I rub my lips together and sure enough, I taste the slight gloss of strawberry. I have enough brain power not to moan out loud as Spencer's juicy lips come back to the forefront of my mind. She did wear lip gloss but I was too busy devouring her mouth to even think about how it might transfer over to my lips. How is the shininess still evident on me after making out for hours? I will revel in this, but not when my sister is around.

So, I put up a front, even though I know deep down I should tell Kyla about Spencer. After all, I promised her I would talk to her. But I'm afraid of her reaction. She's going to tell me I'm playing a game and Spencer isn't a toy. I should break her gently, and all this shit. Kyla knows what it's like to love, but she's going to see me as fragile; that I'm still reeling from recovery and I'm sleeping with Spencer just like all the other girls. She's going to think Spencer is a distraction but because she's so wholesome and innocent, I'm going to destroy her with my issues. She won't think think Spencer is more. And how can I defend that so early in our relationship without getting upset? How can I explain to my sister that Spencer is my new addiction? I don't want to cause fights with the only family I have left.

So, as much as it pains me to say, Spencer is a secret for now. Only until Spencer shows confidence and starts hanging out with me more. I will introduce Spencer gradually and maybe then, showing instead of telling will convince Kyla this is more to me.

It's only the best course of action since I don't do well with words. I struggle expressing how I feel with words. It's much better to show and honestly, communication is less likely to be tangled in misinterpretation. If I'm clear with my actions, then they will all know. Spencer is more. I will show it.

"Fuck off," I tell Kyla with my signature scoff.

"Who's the new flavor of the week?" She ignores my attitude.

More like flavor for the rest of my life.

"I'm not wearing lip gloss, Kyla."

"You totally were. You just licked it off when I mentioned it."

"You're such a liar."

"Yeah, okay." She deepens her voice and rolls her eyes to show the sarcasm in her statement. "Do I know her?"

_Yes_.

"Even if I was making out with someone, what makes you think I'd tell you? You'd just gossip it to Aiden, anyway."

"Well, for one, we both want to know what's going on in your life. Why are you being so defensive about this?"

"It's none of your business, Kyla." I snap and she flinches.

I sigh because I'm frustrated with myself. See, words aren't my friend. Kyla just stares at me all meek and is about to apologize before I cut her off. I soften my tone and pout to show my apology.

"Not yet, anyway," I say, then hold out my arms for a hug.

I don't want to fight and she knows when to back off. She immediately embraces me and whispers in my ear that it's okay; that she's sorry she pushed and she'll be waiting when I'm ready. I close my eyes and let her words sink in, trying to calm me down and I will myself to be more open with her. But it's so goddamn hard.

Sometimes I wonder if I even deserve Kyla as a sister.

~ MF MF MF ~

I'm laying in my bed staring at one of my many creeper photos of Spencer. She's so goddamn beautiful. She's gonna be mine and I feel like the luckiest bitch on earth. I'm so grateful in a god I don't even believe in for sending her to me. The best beauty is when you don't even try and jeez, she doesn't try. She's so exquisite eating the school's version of chicken nuggets. The sun just naturally captures every perfection she has. Her beauty is so raw and sincere. She's literally my walking blonde angel.

Her eyes are so alluring but her lips are so enticing. Her smile and her laugh drew me in that faithful day. Her naivety sealed it. She's a flower waiting to bloom in spring. I can tell she has no idea how fucking stunning she is. And that's what makes her more beautiful. The fact that she's shy and has no idea how to navigate not only this relationship but life, makes her so alluring. I'm hypnotized by her. I'm the moth attracted to that glorious blue light. The only difference is I know she won't kill me.

She is my savior, after all.

She'll carry me to our heaven. She'll be my Bonnie. She'll be my Louise. She'll be my Beyonce. She'll be my life. She's everything for me. And goddamn I can't wait for her to be truly mine.

I sigh and click out of my picture library then scroll through my contacts until her name shines brighter than any text around it. Spencer. My sweet angel. Even her name in my phone makes me smile big like a grinning fool. I should text her, but I might be pushing her too hard. She's a baby right now in this world. I don't even think she's fantasized kissing a girl before.

I can't overwhelm her; I can't scare her away. Even though I wanted to text her and say the one thing that's been on my mind since I first saw her, I refrain. Telling her she's beautiful may set off alarm bells for her. She might think I'm seducing her just to have another girl on my list. She might think I not in this for her feelings.

"I am disciplined."

I sigh then roll my eyes as I lock my phone. Tomorrow can wait. Tomorrow I will continue to guide her. Tomorrow will be one day closer to where she will be all mine.

For tonight, I will not text her. Tonight, I will fantasize. Texting will be making the first move and I vow to open her she wants it, I will give her everything. I can wait; I can make it till tomorrow.

I sigh while I let my thumb slowly swipe across my phone screen. Her picture doesn't do any justice to her true beauty. But it's all I have for now to satisfy my urges. All I want to do is text her how she's my world and she's so beautiful. So, I lust from afar.

I let my phone drop somewhere near my head and adjust my body to a comfortable vertical position. I close my eyes as I relax and my right hand slowly goes down my body. I'm not in the mood to play with my boobs and I imagine Spencer is impatient also. I imagine when she wants to fuck, we fuck. She'll go right in, so my hand immediately goes down to my center. I spread my knees just a little bit and plant my feet. Two of my fingers tease just a little bit, going a circular motion on my outer lips before dipping inside. My hips tilt up as my fingers plunge.

"Fuck, Spencer," I whisper once the pressure is just right. "Fuck, baby."

I imagine her moaning; her reaction to my tightness. She'll be so turned on that her kisses are sloppy and perfect. Her center will be pressed against my thigh and I imagine our synced grinding because the wetness of us both is such a motivator to reach that euphoria. I imagine we will find a rhythm quite quickly and the motions of our bodies will be so perfect, we would want it captured on video so the moment is real. Although I will remember every aspect of this woman. The memory of us having sex (every single time that we do) will be the greatest thing of my life.

My fingers go faster, as I imagine our speed will. The need to cum will be the ultimate goal because I want to see the pleasure I bring expressed on her face. And she'll want the same. She'll want to feel how much I cum because of her. I will make her feel like a sex goddess, trust.

I'm moaning and I wish to all that is holy and mighty that it is her long fingers that's doing this to me. I imagine she'll be hitting my G-spot easier than I will by those glorious hands, and fuck, does it make me hump my hand faster with just that single thought. I bite my lip and curse as my index finger comes up and rubs fast against my clit. My hips jolt and I imagine her holding me down and telling me I need to behave if I want to cum.

Less than twenty seconds later, I'm shouting her name before it turns into a muffled moan as I swing my other arm over my mouth. The orgasm is fast and quivering but I imagine if it was really sex with her, the shudders will be longer and more erotic. If only it was really her, but my speeding heart beat tells me the job is done. The mastuerbating is satisfying, but it only give me a taste to what is to come.

I sigh when my body finally calms down. I lick my lips and look up to my ceiling. Sleep starts to settle within my body and I smile to myself as I mentally count down the hours until I see Spencer again.

"I am disciplined," I say before I close my eyes and sleep.

**End Ch. 4**

**Again, thank you. Review if you'd like. See you on the flip side.**

**MF**


	6. Chapter 6

Addiction

**Here is the latest installment. A lot of vulnerabilities here.**

**Hope you enjoy!**

**MF**

Ch. 5 - Lessons Upon Lessons

This giddiness is not normal. At least for me. This is absolutely new territory that I am more than ready to explore. Every crevice of it and I'm not just talking about her body. Although that would be an added bonus, I want to explore everything about her. Why does she make me so giddy? Why am I so at ease and confident every time she looks at me? Why do I feel like the world is all right when she smiles at me? I want to know this world she creates for me. I want to know everything about her and that makes me so happy. I just want her and maybe that's why I'm so giddy. She's changing my life and I think that's what I need right now. No, I know this is what I need. I need her in my life to make me a better person. Since the first time I saw Spencer, all I wanted was her, not drugs.

Huge progress.

I feel a smile forming and if my sunglasses were on top of my head, my eyes would be shining. I'm grateful for the protection for now. I don't want anyone knowing how happy I am besides the person responsible. It's her business after all; how she makes me feel. She should only know. Everyone else could fuck off at the moment. I sigh and look down at my phone. It's been ten minutes and she's not at her locker yet. I want to text her. I want to ask where she was. I want to beg her to be in my presence just so the anxiety of seeing her would go away. But all I do is stare at my phone. Why? Because I'm disciplined. And Spencer will come. Spencer always comes when I need her. I already feel that connection. It just needs to develop stronger.

As I breathe through my nose concentrating on control, I hear sneakers screech against the concrete and I force my smile to be small and unnoticeable. It's Spencer just down the hall. I know because I can feel her presence and I immediately feel this instant calm take over my entire body. I can relax because she's in my presence. Everything is better, automatic. I'm always in awe with how she does it. I know she's nervous because she didn't expect me to come back. Her confidence isn't there and that makes me sad. I just want to bear hug her and tell I love her and I would never leave her and she's worth every stare and rumor. I just want to tell her she's it for me and she should never feel she was just a fun time or an experiment. My feelings are real. They're so real and intense and I'm scared but I want it because this feeling will never come with something else. She's my sun in this dark world. She's my water in this desert. She's my fight in this struggle. She's my everything.

But words don't convey sometimes. Sometimes they're hard to say and oftentimes come out wrong. Look what happened with my father the last time I said anything to him. I can only show her, gradually. Patience is my best friend because if I push too much showing she will run. And my life would be over in so many ways.

So, I wait. She has nowhere to go, honestly, if she wants her books for her first class. She knows she can't run either so she slowly approaches me. I can feel her checking me out and I can't contain my smile. The physical attraction between us is off the charts and when we do have sex, it will be beyond stars exploding and fireworks against a dark backdrop. What is more than magical? What is more than extraordinary? What is more than incredible? When we do have sex, it will blow everything else out of the water, I just know it. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

"Hi," she says when she finally a few feet from me.

"Hi sexy," I respond and I clinch my fists because all I want to do is hug and kiss her until we both can't breathe.

She blushes at my endearment! Oh, my God, she's so cute and I can't help but show it when I flip my sunglasses up and she sees my eyes. She looks down then back up and I know she focusing on my smile that reaches my eyes. I know I look so happy and she's trying to control her reactions to it. Her hair falls forward and I can't stand her beauty to be blocked so I allow myself this one thing and I reach forward to tuck some hair behind her ear while she does the other side. Her red flush deepens and I have to pull back or else my hand will travel down to her nape and pull her forward for a kiss. But I do allow myself to stare because her beauty is just too great to ignore. She's hyperaware and is trying to ignore how I make her feel. I silently beg her not to. Give in, baby. All of this is real, I promise you.

Finally, she looks back up but this time she's biting her lip.

_I am disciplined, I am disciplined, I am disciplined. _I chant over and over as my eyes focus on her motion. I lick my lips subconsciously as I force myself into control. When she speaks, she breaks my trance and I am so grateful for her. She even pulls me back when I'm about to spiral out of control. She's so fucking amazing.

"What are you doing here?" She asks.

My eyes jump back up and I'm focused on her mesmerizing blue eyes. Then everything is normal. I'm back to my mysterious, cool ways. I stare at her as I answer back.

"What do you think I'm doing here?" I said, in a cool tone.

"I just- I don't know."

Time to call her out. "What? You thought I'd ignore you? After yesterday?"

"Isn't this how the story goes?"

I shake my head in a subtle tone. "I don't follow the traditional story."

"What story do you usually follow?"

"What story do you think I follow?"

"I don't know," she shrugs. "I know I'm not your type."

That's interesting. Because my type is Spencer. If I did have a type, that is.

"How do you know what my type is?"

"Well, you probably don't have a type."

"So, why wouldn't you be somebody I'm interested in, if I don't have a type?"

"I don't know."

"My tongue down your throat sober didn't tell you?"

"What do you want from me, Ashley?"

Her frustration shows and I'm glad. She's asking questions even though I'm being annoyingly cryptic about my wants and desires. I have to. She has to figure it out herself or else she'll think this is a type of game. If she asks the right questions then she will know. Because I will always be honest with her. In due time she will truly know how I feel and she will figure out this all for real. I'm in love with her and all I really know about her is that she's breathtakingly beautiful and her smile is my savior. But that's okay because I know there's more to explore. This is both a new adventure for us. She just needs a little more preparation than I do.

I allow myself a little more leeway and step forward to invade her personal space. After all, it's about testing self-control. I'm allowed to push my boundaries and get small victories. The fact that I'm not molesting her right now is such a great feat and shows my testament that I want everything about her: heart, body, and soul. The fact that I'm not sleeping with her right away shows she's not my distraction or hobby to stop me from doing drugs, but she's angel sent from above to save me from drugs. My sobriety from now on is all her. She is my will, my reason, my life to stay sober.

"Have lunch with me," is all I say and I have to walk away or else I will break my control.

I had to walk away because she was looking at me like I needed to kiss her. I smirk as I'm walking because I feel her stare on my ass. The smirk is starting to morph into a full-blown smile and I have to hide. So, I put my sunglasses back on and look down to hide my happiness. Only Spencer gets to see how happy she makes me feel.

**~~ MF MF MF ~~**

Lunch is absolutely entertaining. These people are like animals in a zoo. Their interactions are so interesting to look at, wondering what they're thinking. I throughly enjoy their efforts in trying to get a straight answer from me. You read the pun, right? This has been going on for years now and although I enjoy fucking with these people, today I'm half-hearted about it. I'm hoping the questions will stop by the time Spencer comes by. She's about to get her first taste in what it's like to be stared at because you're different. I'm positive she can handle it, but in over time. I just know the stares she'll be receiving today could be unnerving and I'm hoping - praying - she doesn't get scared off.

Lord knows how much I need this girl in my life.

This dweeb finally gets the hint I'm done answering questions and just in time too, because no later than a minute later, Spencer approaches all timid. God, she's so cute. I finally get to enjoy my strawberries when she approaches and you know how they say the first taste is the sweetest? The metaphor is all Spencer.

When we first kissed, she was like the juiciest, delicious strawberry that you first pick because it looks the fullest with sugar and berries. Her kiss is like that savor you want to hold because it's so good. Her taste, like a strawberry, makes your tastebuds explode in euphoria. Her lips are so enticing, her kiss so seductive and keeps me in a trance. I want her so bad but I tell myself to just enjoy the strawberries. As she sits down and subtly watches me eat, I have to scream inside my mind I am disciplined. I'm glad my sunglasses are on or else she will see the desire in my eyes. And if she sees my desire, it might trigger something we're both not ready for. I have to push, slowly, and she has to absorb that push until she's comfortable.

Slowly. That's what it's all about right now. As I finish my strawberry, I bite my lip. _I am disciplined._

We eat in silence, which I'm okay with. Her presence alone calms me. I feel so comfortable and myself when she's around me. Everything is better when she's just near. As long as she's within touching distance I'm so happy. The stress of life sober is no longer pressing against my mind. I no longer feel like I'm suffocating in a closed space. When she's around I feel like I'm breathing clean air. I no longer worry disappointing my family or tarnishing my father's memory by falling off the wagon. And it's all because of this saving angel in front of me. Drugs no longer make me happy when she's around me. It's awe-inspiring to me that all I need is her to live a clean life. Nothing else matters, as long as she's mine.

And I hope she'll be mine forever. I think I will literally die if she couldn't handle being with me. And these stares, I know she's feeling uncomfortable. But she's not twitching like she wants to leave. That's a good sign and I feel the happiness swell inside of me. I know I should be cautious about this and not celebrate early; getting my hopes up will just be too much for my fragile heart but I can't help it. She's not freaking out! She's just out of her comfort zone which is expected. Soon enough, she'll have my attitude about all of this. I just know it. I just need to coach it out of her.

"You're intimidated, aren't you?" I ask.

I wait to talk until she takes her last bite. For many reasons, but mostly because I want to observe her. And just looking at her beauty is a major factor too, I'll admit.

"Why do you say that?" She responds.

I chuckled. "Please, they can smell it on you. Plus, you're looking like an abused puppy apprehensive to a loving family."

"I never felt so exposed in my life."

"It's not bad."

It really wasn't once it becomes routine. You sit, they stare. Honestly, I'm disappointed in the repetition of it all. Like, can you please be more creative for my entertainment?

"Come up here," I continue, jerking my head to the right.

She climbs up the table but she's still timid. She's so closed off and stiff and I can't stand the sight. She should never feel that scared. I want her open and free and intimate. So, I move closer and trail my fingers down her arm and gently pry her hand away from the table. I know my touch leaves goosebumps on her skin and I marvel that a simple touch from me causes such a reaction from her. She takes a breath and all I want to do is kiss her. My sunglasses are flipped up and I know she sees the smoldering in my eyes. I have to do something to stop myself and when I try to clear my throat, the rumble stays in the back of it and trills. I'm purring but I stay cool. Trust, I never purred before until her.

She's so fucking amazing.

"You don't know why I'm doing this, do you?" I whisper.

"What are you doing?"

"What do you think I'm doing?"

She pauses. "What are you doing, Ashley?"

"I'm helping you."

"Helping me with what?"

I smirk because she's so cute. "Does your intelligence really disappear when I'm around?"

More pause and she swallows. "Maybe."

She says it more like a question like she hesitated and I laugh and I never felt so genuine in my life.

"You're not most people, are you?" I ask.

"You're not."

"What makes you say that?"

"Have you looked at yourself lately?"

I chuckle again and this time, I really need to touch her besides her hand. I trail up her side and watch her get turned on. It's nice to tease; just little tastes, every once in a while. I allow myself this as I rest my chin on her shoulder and I speak to her, making sure my voice drops to that raspy growl that gets girls wild.

"Mm, I've been where you have. But you're not going through with what I went through."

"And what did you go through?"

"Wouldn't you like to know?"

She nods and when the bell rings, I invite her to my house. It's time we get personal in private. I'm done giving these zoo animals their show. As she dumbly nods her yes, I feel my phone vibrate. I wait until Spencer leaves before I take my phone out of my pocket.

_Is she what you were excited about?_

I roll my eyes because of course Kyla will bring up the briefest moment where she sees me smile when we enter the courtyard for lunch. I search her through the crowd and when we finally make eye contact she's wrapped up with Aiden in a tight hug. I give her a sarcastic look and show off my middle finger. She rolls her eyes at me as I walk away.

**~~ MF MF MF ~~**

She's in awe of my house, which is expected. I have a great fucking house. But she's going to be even more amazed at my bedroom. It's like the music lover's dream and she will soon know some family history. When I think about it, I'm not uncomfortable telling her about it. She's gonna know either way, so it might as well come from me. But then I think about it more and realize this isn't about me. She's gonna wanna know about me and I'm more than willing to share but this experience is about her and being comfortable. If she wants to know about my family then it will make my heart soar because it means she wants to be with me. Like, truly with me. But this is all about comfort. Ease her in my fucked-up life and how I'm still trying to recover. I have a lot making up to do, but only until she's comfortable.

Comfort. Comfortable. My new favorite words.

We enter my room and she looks at my drum kit and all my posters that honor my dad's band but she doesn't say anything. I look at her while she looks around in awe and I feel my fingers twitch in just the slightest in her hand. She feels the jolt but doesn't comment on it. In fact, she's silent as she takes in my entire house and now bedroom and I appreciate it. Unlike the others, they felt the need to say it out loud like they were bragging.

They were about to fuck a rock star's daughter. They were about to fuck someone famous, if only by blood's association. They were groupies by proxy! I roll my eyes at my internal dialogue of some the excuses I heard from these girls. No, they were still groupies because they were using me. I was using them, too, but they never truly cared about me. I didn't care about them either but that's beside the point.

They weren't Spencer, who made me want to change and be better. And it resonated with me that she didn't point out I was rich or pointed out the obvious; that I was Raife Davies' daughter. She didn't ask me if I was following in my father's footsteps, if I was working on an album. She didn't ask me if I had group sex with tour members while I was on the road with my dad. First of all, ew. All those older men? Gross! But Spencer never asked any questions about music or my dad. She just stared in awe. Which made me fall more for her and I hoped against all hope she didn't run away because she was uncomfortable.

I would overdose on drugs if she ever left me.

She curiously looks on at the posters and I realize she doesn't know the band. So, in my best blasé tone, I tell her it's my dad's band. And you know what she said? She didn't say, "Oh, my God, your dad's a rock star?" Like all the other girls in their high-pitch squeal.

"Cool," she said as she shrugged her shoulders.

_I am disciplined. _

I took a deep breath through my nose. Fuck, did I want to jump her bones right then and there. Instead I controlled my breathing as I pull her towards my bed. My humongous bed that's perfect for fooling around. I guide her like she's precious cargo (which she is) and gently lay her down in the middle. It's the most comfortable part of my bed and if she ever wanted to move, she had plenty of room to do so. I just hope she stays.

She allows me to do all of this but I feel tension. I panic inside myself because I'm scrambling on how to release all this tension because I will absolutely die if she decides this isn't a good idea and bolts. But then I feel the electricity and I relax in just the slightest because it's sexual tension. She wants us to kiss and I see it when I smolder my eyes in contact with hers. She just doesn't know what to do. She wants to kiss but she doesn't know how to make it happen. "It's so simple, baby," I wanna tell her. "Just lean up."

But I'm never good with words. Action is always better for me. So, I tell her the only way I know how. I hover over her, my arms supporting most of my weight. The weight training and yoga really helped in rehab. I lean forward but never kiss her. I want to, only a God I don't believe in knows how much I want to but I stay discipline. She has to take what she wants. I'm ripe and ready. Like strawberries.

"Do you want to kiss me?" I ask her.

I watch her take a deep breath and nod. "Do you always get what you want?"

My breath is so low and raspy, I know I'm turning her on. She doesn't say anything but I see it in her eyes. The blue in her eyes are so stormy and the green are so electrifying with want. The desire is so much there. I have to encourage her. I have to tell her it's okay, take what you want. I am willing. So, my mouth moves in just the slightest. I'm closer to her lips but do not touch. My nose nuzzles hers. I pause as I try to collect myself also and I find myself forcing to calm down as I will the next words to come out. I hope she takes. Anything she wants, she'll get from me; I'm forever hers. Just take. Please, just take.

"Why don't you take what you want?"

**~~ MF MF MF ~~**

She gets more delicious every time she kisses me. It's strange how she uses tongue but it's not sloppy. It's calculated, like she wants to know how long her strokes has to be to get me sensually grinding against her. The way she kisses is so erotic and sensual I'm so surprised how calm I am. It's weird, but I'm not rushing to have sex just so I can chase that numbing feeling to feel something. She makes me want to go slow and savor everything. I take in everything when we kiss. The way her breath hitches for just a second before she closes the gap and she sighs like kissing me puts her in her happy place. The way her fingers just ghost my skin before actually touching. The way her eyes cloud in just the slightest before they brighten as she stares at me when we take a breather. It's all so intense but perfect.

It's so awe-inspiring how much control I feel when I'm with her. Nothing is spiraling, nothing is out of reach, nothing is falling apart. Everything is so locked in and together when I'm just staring at her. It's like I belong with her and she with me. Everything is at a standstill and makes sense. She makes sense; like my sobriety was just her all this time. I don't feel the need to run away because I'm a fuck up. In fact, I want to be better; someone worthy of her beauty and affection. She makes me think I have a second chance at life. For once, my mind isn't running all these doubts about how I will ruin her because relationships despise me. That voice isn't telling me I will kill her like I killed my father. That voice is telling me to be better so I could have her.

She's everything to me and I am so happy she is with me right now, even if it's just kissing. In fact, all I want to do is just kiss. I'm so much at peace when she's just close. Her influence is something I'm addicted to.

Look how far I've come. All because of this sweet angel in the form of Spencer Carlin, small-town girl with the sweetest smile and angelic looks. My savior.

She's leaving now and there's a small heartbreak in my heart but I ignore it. I offer to take her home but she tells me her brother will pick her up just down the street since he's in the neighborhood. It makes me think he's visiting Madison but I quickly push the thought away because there's no way I will think about that whore when I have my angel in front of me. Besides, maybe he's visiting Aiden. They seemed to have a little bromance going from what I noticed the last couple of lunches. Anyway, any thoughts besides Spencer are stupid so I push all my absent thoughts away and magically, Spencer is in the forefront of my mind. I smile and think she's beautiful just standing in my hallway.

I insist on walking her to my front door. She hesitates just outside my bedroom door, switching from one foot to the other as she stares at me. I have to smirk because she's so damn cute when she feels awkward. We're holding hands but she looks like she wants to do more. I don't say anything, knowing she's slowly getting it. If she wants something from me, she just has to take it. And she does when she decides to go in for the kiss. I kiss her back and I feel the urge to pull back into my bedroom and ravage her. She'll know what it's like to make love with a girl. But I control myself and I'm rewarded because she becomes a little forward, pushing her entire body to mine, forcing my back against the doorjamb. She kisses me like she doesn't want to go and I force myself to keep my grip loose. Pulling her tight will make me lose control and she has to make the first move, not me.

_I am disciplined._

The kissing continues until we both can't breathe. I give her small pecks and she's slightly grinding against me. I want to ask her to stay. I want to ask permission to make love to her. I want to tell her she's everything to me and I will do everything to be the person she needs. I want to tell her I fell in love with her the moment I saw her. But the words stay hidden; choked down in my throat and all I can really do is pant as her kisses move down my neck then back to my lips. Our tongues are in a battle when her phone goes off. It's her brother asking her if she's ready. The heartbreak gets a little bigger but I continue to ignore.

I literally wouldn't let go of her hand until the front door opens. But it's not Spencer who opens it; instead Kyla enters and suspicion is serious on her face once she realizes what she walked into. Spencer, my poor awkward Spencer, blushes and slightly gives Kyla a wave. She shyly looks over her shoulder and meekly says bye to me. I wink at her, silently telling her it's okay and bid her bye also. I refuse to look at Kyla until Spencer is totally out of my sight. I ignore the constricting in my heart and sigh.

"Spencer Carlin?" Kyla says, her eyebrow fully up in an arch.

Great, she knows her name.

I shrug like it's not a big deal. It is, but Kyla doesn't need to know that. I already know what this conversation is going to lead to and I want some semblance of a happy bubble left.

"Spencer Carlin." I reply back. I know I sound and look like a jerk.

"Ashley, I don't think that's a good idea. She's not even a lesbian."

"Oh, trust me, she's a lesbian."

"Well, then, she's a baby lesbian and you will chew her alive."

"Her lip is delicious."

"See, right there. You're playing her emotions and she just moved here. This isn't a good idea."

"What makes you think I'm not serious about her?"

"Her lip is delicious?"

"What? It is."

"Ashley. I love you and support you but sleeping with a string of girls is only a temporary release and you're only replacing one problem with another. She's is new and from I heard very sweet. Playing with her like this is dangerous. For both of you."

"What if she's the last one?"

"What are you talking about?"

I sigh. "Kyla, it's new. For the both of us. But what I'm doing with Spencer is none of your business and our feelings is our feelings. I know what I'm doing and if I have any say, this will not end badly. I found something that will help me cope. Let's just say that. And trust me. She's a willing participant."

I give my sister a kiss on the cheek and walk away. That honestly could have gone worse and I'm glad I didn't snap at her. It hurts a little my sister thinks I'm using Spencer but I also know my track record. It may seem like Spencer is just another girl but Kyla will soon know. Spencer is my savior; my sweet angel. Soon enough, Kyla will see it and will know I finally found love. She'll know it because she'll see how we interact and she'll see herself and Aiden. She'll know. I'm confident in that notion.

I hear her sigh behind me. "I hope you know what you're doing, Ashley."

**~~ MF MF MF ~~**

Spencer makes me nervous. It's a little unreal how much I care if she walks away. I'm always scared I'm pushing her too much and she'll realize I'm not worth it. I justify all this testing to get her used to all of the attention but in reality I'm just pushing her to make sure she doesn't leave. I want to make sure she can handle everything. I have faith - all of it in the world for her, in fact - but sometimes you want something to be true so badly, you're blind to the obvious signs. This is my last test, I tell myself. I can't keep putting her through this just to see if this was all too good to be true. There's only so much a girl will go through before she realizes she deserves better. And I want to be better for her.

But I want more is for her to stay. So, I tell myself to stop pushing so much. I know she's into me and the way she kisses me should be proof enough that she's gay. This test is for her to realize it but also only want me. Only me; be gay for only me. Fuck, I just want to be with her forever. All of her.

She's approaches me with a shy smile and I know she wants to stretch her lips to this biggest, brightest grin ever but she refrains because everyone is watching. She's getting used to it and the routine we have all week. She'll meet me at my favorite table and we'll silently eat together. I'd rather stare at her all day but these monkeys show up and try to entertain. I'll be the asshole that dangles a treat just out of their reach before I'm bored and I rather just stare at my angel. All week I feel Kyla's stare but I ignore it because Spencer's eyes are mesmerizing. They're like that spinning line that hypnotizes you when the magician swings the pendant left to right. I'm sucked in a trance that I don't want out of anytime soon. And her eyes are so bright in the sun, it actually calms me.

Today doesn't seem different for her but it is. She thinks we'll just bask in each other's presence and although that's all I want to do, it's not going to be the same. I have to do this. I have to put pressure on her; make her realize she only wants me - I mean truly me. And the only person I know that could test her sexuality is going to be make me such an asshole.

I just hope she forgives me.

I already fed her a strawberry and yes, that is my attempt at a butter up. Bless her sweetness, she doesn't notice the difference in my demeanor. It's not until I sit up from sun-bathing (read: building courage) that she slowly notices. And by then, it's too late and I just bite the head off and go with it. If she passes (I know she will; I just need to see it) then I will make up major points for the scarring. If passes then she will know what it's truly like to be with me and baby, it's going to be a magical, wild ride.

"What do you think of that guy?" I ask, nodding to Aiden.

"He's cute," she says with a shrug and I know she barely glanced at him.

I feel a flutter in my chest when her stare goes right back to me. So far so good. But I have to push through, so I lick my lips and continue, making sure my stare is intent on Aiden.

"Is that what you really think?" I ask.

"Yeah, why?"

"Why don't you really look at him?"

She gives me a weird look. "Why?"

"Why not?"

I watch her really look at Aiden. She takes in everything, taking into heart what I asked. I wonder if all the things I find in Aiden as irresistible way back when is what she's finding also. Does she like his smile? Does she like how dark and how light his eyes are that makes him boyishly charming? Does she imagine how tone his body is but fantasize how soft his hands can be? My stomach starts to roll a little bit but I completely ignore it as she finishes looking at him. My eyes dart to her lips and the rolling in my stomach starts to manifest as her bottom lip is in between her teeth. But I force myself not to jump and freak out. It could be a passing motion.

"He's cute," she says again.

I force a smirk to appear. "You checked him out?"

"I guess."

"You think he's cute?"

"I already said he was."

"Do you know who he is?"

"No. What are you getting at, Ashley?"

"You're biting your lip."

"So?"

"So, you find him attractive?"

I can tell my questions are getting to her. "What's with the questions, Ashley?"

"His name is Aiden Dennison."

"Okay?"

"I want you to look at him again."

"Why?"

"Look at him."

She scoffs at me and looks at me for a long time, at least it seems like it. I could get lost in her eyes every day for the rest of my life and quite honestly, my life will be complete. She has to know there's a reason for this so I just respond with a quirked eyebrow. Something in the move seems to do the trick because she goes back to staring at Aiden, even though frustration shows in her voice. She still trusts me, though.

"I'm looking at him," she says with a little attitude in her voice. "He's cute, he's attractive. Why?"

"Do you want to make out with him?"

"What the fuck, Ashley?" Her reaction is immediate and the fire behind it immediately turns me on.

She's mad at me, and I've never been so relieved in my life. But I have to stay cool. I have to act like none of this is bothering me.

"It's a legitimate question." I shrug my shoulders.

"How?"

"Didn't you say he was cute? That he was attractive? Why don't you want to make out with him?"

"Because!"

"Because it's cheating? Do we need to have a little talk?"

"No! I don't understand why you would ask that, out of the blue."

"You find me attractive and you make out with me. You find him attractive, why don't you want to make out with him?"

"Because!"

"You do know that's not a legitimate answer, right?"

Her frustration is at all-time high and my breathing has stopped because she makes movement and this is where she walks away. This is where she says fuck it all and breaks my soul. Instead, my breathing resumes as she ducks her head on her thighs. She's trying to calm down. And I feel like shit but I remind myself this is needed. This is the last test. All I want to do is comfort her so I allow myself physical contact even though it's all part of my stupid test. I gently guide her to an almost kiss. The air between us changes and I know she wants me. I want to call this off and ravage her but I am disciplined. Her eyes trace everything about my face and I can't help but lick my lips.

"Do you want to kiss me right now?" I whisper.

She doesn't answer me because of the stares. We both know this. I keep the silence a little longer to prove a point.

"You can't do it, can you? I know you want me, Spence. But you can't do it in front of everyone. But you can kiss a guy in public. So, just do me this favor. Look at Aiden."

"Why?"

"Look at Aiden like you mean it. Study him. And tell me, honestly, if you want to make out with him. As hard as it is, take me out of the equation. Do you want Aiden like you want me?"

She stares into my eyes then finally obliges. I watch again as she stares at Aiden because I'm gluten to punishment. She focuses on him and I watch next to her. I notice Aiden is not even paying attention to her. In fact, his eyes are scanning the area ahead of him, no doubt looking for Kyla. A few moments pass before Spencer speaks.

"No," she says and my heart starts to soar. "I don't want to make out with him. I don't feel anything for him. He's just-"

And of course my sister ruins it. She must have been held up because the only time her voice pitches that high is when she's away from Aiden for awhile. She squeals and jumps into Aiden's arms and he laughs in response. I briefly smile at their happiness but then look at Spencer when they kiss. It still hurts sometimes.

"Dating my sister," I tell Spencer in a fake cheerful tone. "Good. That would've been a problem."

I know she hates me but she passes and I will make it up to her. Hugely and rewardingly. I smile at her and she melts.

"Come over," I tell her. "I'll make this up to you, I promise."

I have to leave or else I'll wrap her in the biggest hug and kiss her like Aiden kisses Kyla. In front of everyone and I don't think either of us is ready for our relationship to be out. Besides, I heard Madison put in the highest bid yesterday. I can't let that bitch win. So, just in time, the bell rings and I get up and start walking to my boring-ass class. As I'm walking, I catch Aiden's eye. He nods at me and I decide to throw him a bone. I nod back and give him a brief two-finger salute. Spencer is mine now. Maybe my friendship with Aiden can mend better now that I have Spencer and I know for sure she won't leave me.

I can finally start being happy now. When I think of happiness, I think of Spencer and a smile appears on my lips. She is everything to me. My heart, body, and soul. I can't wait to show her our life together.

**End Chapter 5. Hope you enjoyed. Review if you'd like.**

**MF**


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